Courage

"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."

-Earl Wilson

Mindfulness

In my efforts to focus more on today, I've been studying a bit about mindful meditation.  So far, I have to say, I'm loving the difference it's making.  It's more about appreciation and awareness for me. 

Some basic principles of mindful meditation are that you try to put aside all thoughts of the past and future, and stay in the present... not just the "today" present, but that exact moment.  (It's not as easy as it sounds...)  Become aware of your breathing (thanks yoga - I can do that!), and focus on each thought that comes and goes - all worries, fears, anxiety, hope, joy, all of it.  Don't ignore it, don't suppress it, but be aware of it.  If you find any one particular thought taking over, just observe where it takes you, without judging the thought, and return your focus to your breathing. 


As ridiculous as it sounds, I found an app for my phone that plays a very pleasant sounding "mindfulness bell" randomly throughout the day.  It's a simple reminder to take note of where I am, what I'm thinking or doing, and appreciate it.    This weekend, it has reminded me to enjoy Mac's laughter, a wonderful conversation by text with a friend, a favorite song, and the quiet time of a few sun salutations.  At one point, the bell rang when I was feeling a bit stressed about Mac's ultra-picky eating, and the bell was a wonderful reminder to enjoy the fact that I was there with her, was really just concerned for her nutrition, and with perfect timing, she asked for a hug...

It's amazing how many little moments go by during the day, and unless we put a bit of focus around recognizing them, they slip by unnoticed and unappreciated.

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.
-- Sylvia Boorstein

Everything old is new again

I find it quite interesting that I've suddenly befriended a few old friends again. 

I'm very thankful that three individuals have come back into my life after so many years.  I had very different relationships with each person, and I am amazed that in each case, we have been able to pick up our friendship right where we left it around a decade ago. 

I'm puzzled by the way our lives took us in different directions, and I'm intrigued that somehow we've ended up in the right place at the right time to find each other again.  (As cliche as it seems, Facebook is good for something!)

And though I know our time together this coming weekend won't be long enough, I'm anxious and all warm and fuzzy to see each of them.  It's like finding a lost little piece of me again.

Today is the day.

In all of my recent reflections, I've realized one thing that I've realized before, but all too often forget.

It's really quite simple.

Today.

That's it.  Just today. 

I often forget to focus on living today.  I thought I was spending too much time worrying about tomorrow, or dwelling on yesterday, but truly, I just don't focus on today enough.

Each day this week, I've tried to focus on just that - living in the moment, getting done what I can get done, and letting it go if I don't get it done by the end of the day.  Appreciating greatly the fact that people from yesterday have joined me in my today.

I have to say, it's difficult at times to be conscientious of it, but when I am, it yields great results.

Just this week, I've knocked off over a dozen tasks that have been rolling over on my daily to do list, we've taken Mac to the park twice, I've enjoyed  a few extra bike rides just for the sake of it, enjoyed a great teambuilding event I organized for work, and I didn't frantically clean up the house at the end of the day.  (Admittedly, I don't think I'll hang on to that habit.  I hate waking up to the chaos we leave downstairs!)

So, today?  Today, I've already had 3 conversations with long-time friends (texting counts... and one was a real phone call too!), completed 3 more annoying little to-dos, moved a project to the next phase, and made a delicious breakfast for my Doodle.  It's only 1 PM, so I'll work for a few more hours, then we'll see what this focus brings. 

A conversation can...

... change your world.


You just have to let go of any fear and have it anyway.

Angry

She had amazing potential.  I looked up to her.... intelligent, funny, motivated, and a smile that lit up the room.  She was warm and kind, and she was a joy to spend the day with.  Most days, at least.

And then she realized she wasn't being true to herself.  She made the big announcement, and suddenly, she decided that no one would accept her for who she was, so all of those traits I admired seemed to be shoved away.  Somehow, she thought she couldn't be that person and live the life she wanted to live... had to be tough to handle the objections thrown at her, I suppose.

Her world suddenly became about defending her lifestyle.  I never saw what she was fighting back then.  Now, she wears it on her sleeve, her suit of armor, and I see the cutting glances.  I see the disproving glares.  I know she fights it now.  But it wasn't always that way.  In the beginning, we lived in the same world.  She made a choice, and decided she didn't want to be part of that world any more.  And while I respect her fearlessness, I'll never understand why she felt it was necessary, knowing it causes her so much pain.  Could it have been avoided? 

And then, she forgot about her potential and made her world exist in one thing - one person.  Her entire world.  So now that her entire world walked out the door, she's crushed.  She is filled with a darkness and emptiness and a never-ending river of tears.  Her breath hurts.  Her thoughts assault her.  We had a conversation I couldn't understand - literally.  Her sobs, while slightly over the top, were certainly true.  And her threats are terrifying.

And for this, I am angry.  I am angry.  I'm angry that she chose to put her entire reason for being into this one person.  I'm angry that she doesn't know her own worth.  I'm angry that she doesn't care about anyone else who loves about her.  I'm angry that in putting herself entirely into this one world, when that world walked away, she is left with nothing, as nothing, and is selfishly making threats to end it all.  She defined herself as only one half.  She gave away any sense of self.  I'm angry that she won't give herself a chance anymore, that she gave up on her life, thinking that her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to have both.

Anger is not my friend... nor even an acquaintance.  We, anger and I, meet so seldom that I can't seem to remember the last time I felt this way.  Truly, it's not who I am, not who I want to be. 

I'm hoping that this post will wash away that anger.  I want it out of my system.  It's not mine. 

The Power of Paper

Let me start by saying that I live an almost paperless life... by choice.  It drives me insane.  I pay bills electronically, I cancel just about every publication I receive in the mail because it drives me batty, and I manage all of my projects at work electronically.  (Perhaps the lack of paper on my desk leads people to believe I'm not busy... I'll have to think that over.  Later.  I digress.)

There's one time though when I find that paper is pretty irresistible:  when it's from someone you like.  Just that simple.  And no, I'm not talking about "like like", although those are definitely nice.  I'm talking about friends, family, loved ones.

Anytime you can come across a piece of paper with a message from someone, it immediately takes you back to that time, warms your heart, makes you smile, or has some inevitable impact.

Last night, I got a message from a friend I used to work with at a restaurant.  He found his old server book, and in it was a poem I wrote one night about 11 or 12 years ago.  He was having a bad night (that happened to us all quite regularly in the restaurants!), so I wrote some ridiculous "Roses are red" kind of poem in the middle of dinner rush to brighten his spirits.  He shot me a message to let me know it still made him smile over a decade later.  You just can't get that with a text message.  (Trust me, I have a few text messages on my junky old phone I would love to keep, but I know they'll be lost forever once the memory fades.)  And although you can save an email, it just still doesn't have the same impact. 

I found - ok, who am I kidding, I always know where they are - pulled out some old letters and cards recently, and it was such a wonderful way to spend a few hours.  I had the chance to reflect on my life experiences, my relationships with those close to me, and all the twists and turns life has offered.  I was thankful to revisit those times, to realize who I was and who I have become, and overwhelmed to realize how fortunate I am to have people in my life who care about me the way they do.

In today's world of social media, texting, and electronic everything, take a moment to grab a pen and paper... or at least type it out and hit print ;-)... and jot down something silly, a note of appreciation, a heartfelt anything, slip it to someone, and hope that it brings them comfort and a smile years from now.