Woman in the Sky

Courage

2010-10-18T12:12:00.000-04:00

"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."

-Earl Wilson

Mindfulness

2010-09-19T16:10:00.000-04:00

In my efforts to focus more on today, I've been studying a bit about mindful meditation. So far, I have to say, I'm loving the difference it's making. It's more about appreciation and awareness for me.

Some basic principles of mindful meditation are that you try to put aside all thoughts of the past and future, and stay in the present... not just the "today" present, but that exact moment. (It's not as easy as it sounds...) Become aware of your breathing (thanks yoga - I can do that!), and focus on each thought that comes and goes - all worries, fears, anxiety, hope, joy, all of it. Don't ignore it, don't suppress it, but be aware of it. If you find any one particular thought taking over, just observe where it takes you, without judging the thought, and return your focus to your breathing.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I found an app for my phone that plays a very pleasant sounding "mindfulness bell" randomly throughout the day. It's a simple reminder to take note of where I am, what I'm thinking or doing, and appreciate it. This weekend, it has reminded me to enjoy Mac's laughter, a wonderful conversation by text with a friend, a favorite song, and the quiet time of a few sun salutations. At one point, the bell rang when I was feeling a bit stressed about Mac's ultra-picky eating, and the bell was a wonderful reminder to enjoy the fact that I was there with her, was really just concerned for her nutrition, and with perfect timing, she asked for a hug...

It's amazing how many little moments go by during the day, and unless we put a bit of focus around recognizing them, they slip by unnoticed and unappreciated.

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.
-- Sylvia Boorstein

Everything old is new again

2010-08-31T11:29:00.000-04:00

I find it quite interesting that I've suddenly befriended a few old friends again.

I'm very thankful that three individuals have come back into my life after so many years. I had very different relationships with each person, and I am amazed that in each case, we have been able to pick up our friendship right where we left it around a decade ago.

I'm puzzled by the way our lives took us in different directions, and I'm intrigued that somehow we've ended up in the right place at the right time to find each other again. (As cliche as it seems, Facebook is good for something!)

And though I know our time together this coming weekend won't be long enough, I'm anxious and all warm and fuzzy to see each of them. It's like finding a lost little piece of me again.

Today is the day.

2010-08-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

In all of my recent reflections, I've realized one thing that I've realized before, but all too often forget.

It's really quite simple.

Today.

That's it. Just today.

I often forget to focus on living today. I thought I was spending too much time worrying about tomorrow, or dwelling on yesterday, but truly, I just don't focus on today enough.

Each day this week, I've tried to focus on just that - living in the moment, getting done what I can get done, and letting it go if I don't get it done by the end of the day. Appreciating greatly the fact that people from yesterday have joined me in my today.

I have to say, it's difficult at times to be conscientious of it, but when I am, it yields great results.

Just this week, I've knocked off over a dozen tasks that have been rolling over on my daily to do list, we've taken Mac to the park twice, I've enjoyed a few extra bike rides just for the sake of it, enjoyed a great teambuilding event I organized for work, and I didn't frantically clean up the house at the end of the day. (Admittedly, I don't think I'll hang on to that habit. I hate waking up to the chaos we leave downstairs!)

So, today? Today, I've already had 3 conversations with long-time friends (texting counts... and one was a real phone call too!), completed 3 more annoying little to-dos, moved a project to the next phase, and made a delicious breakfast for my Doodle. It's only 1 PM, so I'll work for a few more hours, then we'll see what this focus brings.

A conversation can...

2010-08-20T17:52:00.003-04:00

... change your world.

You just have to let go of any fear and have it anyway.

Angry

2010-08-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

She had amazing potential. I looked up to her.... intelligent, funny, motivated, and a smile that lit up the room. She was warm and kind, and she was a joy to spend the day with. Most days, at least.

And then she realized she wasn't being true to herself. She made the big announcement, and suddenly, she decided that no one would accept her for who she was, so all of those traits I admired seemed to be shoved away. Somehow, she thought she couldn't be that person and live the life she wanted to live... had to be tough to handle the objections thrown at her, I suppose.

Her world suddenly became about defending her lifestyle. I never saw what she was fighting back then. Now, she wears it on her sleeve, her suit of armor, and I see the cutting glances. I see the disproving glares. I know she fights it now. But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, we lived in the same world. She made a choice, and decided she didn't want to be part of that world any more. And while I respect her fearlessness, I'll never understand why she felt it was necessary, knowing it causes her so much pain. Could it have been avoided?

And then, she forgot about her potential and made her world exist in one thing - one person. Her entire world. So now that her entire world walked out the door, she's crushed. She is filled with a darkness and emptiness and a never-ending river of tears. Her breath hurts. Her thoughts assault her. We had a conversation I couldn't understand - literally. Her sobs, while slightly over the top, were certainly true. And her threats are terrifying.

And for this, I am angry. I am angry. I'm angry that she chose to put her entire reason for being into this one person. I'm angry that she doesn't know her own worth. I'm angry that she doesn't care about anyone else who loves about her. I'm angry that in putting herself entirely into this one world, when that world walked away, she is left with nothing, as nothing, and is selfishly making threats to end it all. She defined herself as only one half. She gave away any sense of self. I'm angry that she won't give herself a chance anymore, that she gave up on her life, thinking that her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to have both.

Anger is not my friend... nor even an acquaintance. We, anger and I, meet so seldom that I can't seem to remember the last time I felt this way. Truly, it's not who I am, not who I want to be.

I'm hoping that this post will wash away that anger. I want it out of my system. It's not mine.

The Power of Paper

2010-08-13T23:31:00.002-04:00

Let me start by saying that I live an almost paperless life... by choice. It drives me insane. I pay bills electronically, I cancel just about every publication I receive in the mail because it drives me batty, and I manage all of my projects at work electronically. (Perhaps the lack of paper on my desk leads people to believe I'm not busy... I'll have to think that over. Later. I digress.)

There's one time though when I find that paper is pretty irresistible: when it's from someone you like. Just that simple. And no, I'm not talking about "like like", although those are definitely nice. I'm talking about friends, family, loved ones.

Anytime you can come across a piece of paper with a message from someone, it immediately takes you back to that time, warms your heart, makes you smile, or has some inevitable impact.

Last night, I got a message from a friend I used to work with at a restaurant. He found his old server book, and in it was a poem I wrote one night about 11 or 12 years ago. He was having a bad night (that happened to us all quite regularly in the restaurants!), so I wrote some ridiculous "Roses are red" kind of poem in the middle of dinner rush to brighten his spirits. He shot me a message to let me know it still made him smile over a decade later. You just can't get that with a text message. (Trust me, I have a few text messages on my junky old phone I would love to keep, but I know they'll be lost forever once the memory fades.) And although you can save an email, it just still doesn't have the same impact.

I found - ok, who am I kidding, I always know where they are - pulled out some old letters and cards recently, and it was such a wonderful way to spend a few hours. I had the chance to reflect on my life experiences, my relationships with those close to me, and all the twists and turns life has offered. I was thankful to revisit those times, to realize who I was and who I have become, and overwhelmed to realize how fortunate I am to have people in my life who care about me the way they do.

In today's world of social media, texting, and electronic everything, take a moment to grab a pen and paper... or at least type it out and hit print ;-)... and jot down something silly, a note of appreciation, a heartfelt anything, slip it to someone, and hope that it brings them comfort and a smile years from now.

Woman in the Sky

2010-08-11T23:39:00.004-04:00

So, a friend asked about the title for my blog, so here's the original post with the namesake from 9/12/06. Definitely one of my most obscure pieces.

_____________________________________________________________________

Here it is. The storm inside me.
Stirring. Brewing. Shaking. Stressing. Exciting. Enticing. Seducing. Raging. Lost. Found. Here and there. I. am. everywhere.
Yes I'm lost, yet I lead the blind, the deaf, the bright, the willing, the resisting. They are mine.
I push them. I hold them. I carry and I coach them.
I dig and I bury. I find and I hide.

It's me. It's what I do.
I command. Yet I fear.
Do as I say, yet challenge me and my ways. I. dare. you. to. make. me. better. Stronger. Colder. Gentler and eager.
Bring me up to lead you.

I am the light at the end of your tunnel because you depend on me. I force you to need me. It is my weakness and yet I s-t-r-i-v-e for it.
The air that fills my lungs is from you - your need for my presence - and this very air fills my eyes with tears. Your need for me pushes me away.

I see the twinkling lights in the sky over the city I cannot hold.
I feel the anticipation of the events in the places I cannot enjoy.
I am here. Know me not.
Let me flip your world but not hold you down. nor keep you up.
I change your world in a way you'll never know.
You'll hate me for it. You'll need me for it.
You will never know how I hurt to be with you - to keep you sane, to ease your fears, to assure my needs.

I fly high through clouds I cannot touch.
Many momentous moments in the sky - missing what's on the ground, what's real... truly aching for it.
The majesty of the air up there - helpless - floating - sailing - losing - waiting - above - a - reality - that - is - not - mine.

Circles, circles, circles.
Understand not? See, I have done it again.
I have forced you to need me just now.
Dependency. Urgency. Solver of problems. Toucher of lives.
Don't need me there. Just need me.

Words have abandoned me.
For years they have teased me.
Taunting and haunting.
Dance with me
Drive me crazy as I float about the clouds that you will never touch. Mine. Me. Here. Alone. Overwhelmed with these words.
Flow through me now stronger than I can imagine.
I leave you speechless as these words drown me in the clouds I cannot touch above the world I turn upside-down and leave to be alone to be surrounded by me.

I hurt to touch you. To fix you even when you need not fixed.
I hurt to you... for your need for me.

Where have you hidden? My words. My thoughts. My heart. My passion. Find me -- Make me -- Need -- Me.
Not the me you need. The me I need and want you to want to need.

I speak to silence.
I silence chaos.
Noises drive me insane.
Silence drowns me in words.
Stop talking and listen to me when your silence shuts me up.
Drink with me when I thirst for you.
I need you to need me to quench your thirst.
It's a viscious cycle, really.
I need you to need me, but you needing me forces away my need for you.
Dissolve. Disappear. Disappoint.
I do this
to your fears. Expectations. Desires.
I am cruel when my kindness overwhelms me.
I push you away when I need you most.

I realize this is me.
Saying and doing one, but needing and wanting another.
Yet I need what I do, I want what I say.
I lost you in my world so you need me to find you in me - the me I will not be.

Figure it out yourself. I need you to want to know me.

You say I am on a power trip.
I am the weakest I have ever been... because I need you.
But I - need - no one.
You proved me wrong.
So wrong I'm right.
Breathe me in.

I feel your presence. Everywhere.
Stop following me.
But be with me.
You are me.
I am

me because of you, without you, nothingness.
Nothingness made me rise into these clouds.
Constantly fighting to prove myself to an audience who somehow already believes in a me I never knew.
A me who obviously does not exist because I need you to want me but I want you to need me and I can
never
have
both.

I have you. The most incredible being in the world.
The you who makes me me.
And I am sorry that I need you to need me,
when I only want you to want me.
I cannot make you want me.
I make you need me.
A me I am not.
Find me.

I cannot find my way on a path I created.
I cannot find me in an identity I made.
I cannot find you in the me you made better.
I can find the future in the past I run from. (from which I run.)
See. I control me.
Let me be to let you be to let me let you let me.

Even knowing this
I cannot accept the me who really needs you to need me because I do not need...
but I need you to want the me I want you to need - no - the me I need you to want!
Which is it? Where is it?
Help me. Do not need me.
I want you to want me, yet I need you to need me,
but if you need me, I want you to need me...
...and all I need is you to want me to make me want you because when you need me you create the weak me, the me you say is on a power trip.
The me who needs you.

Stop it. Just want me and I'll want you and my want will turn to need and I'll keep spinning you and me.

We are what we think

2010-08-09T22:50:00.004-04:00

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha

I have always believed that your thoughts control your path. The stories you share with others define your life. Life is just as you say it is.

The thing is – sometimes I just can’t seem to shake the thoughts bouncing in my head. The “What If?’s” are often louder than the “here and nows”. I’m finding that sometimes the concerns I have, the stresses about the future, and the daunting to do list seem to cause more chaos on my mind than it’s worth. If I could just clear out those thoughts, I could easily find focus, and could hopefully live happily in the present.

Sometimes thoughts of the past and the future seem too powerful or too alluring or too grand not to entertain them for a while, or in some cases, fight through the stress they bring.

I used to struggle with this issue more frequently, but then I finally relaxed and started to just enjoy exactly where I was in life. I'm not sure exactly when the shift started, but I find myself back in ways of old. Certainly, some days are grand. Some days, I feel distant. Perhaps it's my indecision. Perhaps it's my impossible expectations for myself. Perhaps it's just an impatience to feel "at home" for the first time in my life.

I'm anxious to find my calm again... to clear my mind and find the shadow of joy again.

Bye bye, dumbphone.

2010-07-30T16:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I lasted 3 months. Who wins the pool for that? Hehe.

After a trip to TN, I grew even more frustrated by not having a decent phone. I couldn't get reception at either of my parent's houses, and texts were sporadic at Mom's. With horrible reception at home, I am constantly having to hop on my left foot while standing on the arm of the couch and rubbing my belly while holding my breath just to get a call to go through. And then it gets dropped anyway.

So, farewell AT&T. Farewell old Cingular (yikes - it's that old!) flip phone with no battery cover and a cheap protector holding it all together. Farewell multitap texting that takes an eternity to send a "hey."

The new VZW Droids are on the way. And just for the record, G is the one who made the final decision. After a week back at work, I think he's going through internet withdrawals already, and with football season quickly approaching, he needs his fix. :-)

The Watch

2010-07-29T10:11:00.002-04:00

He had an old watch
he kept in a box
collecting more dust everyday.

He knew it was there
never picked it to wear
but just couldn't give it away.

The hands never moved
The tick never tocked
But oh, the memories of yesteryear.

It once sat proudly on his arm
filled with purpose and charm
before the want turned to fear.

He then found the time by a shiny new face
because it just fell into place
consistent and comfy, it got the job done.

Til he opened the old box
realized it was the finest of clocks
and suddenly his wrist
seemed to twist
and he wasn't sure when his confusion had begun.

Roots

2010-07-26T01:15:00.000-04:00

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but more than anything I walk away thankful.

Mostly, I’m so thankful for those few hours with my grandparents where I was able to see each of them smile as they watched Doodle entertaining herself. I was proud as I saw Papaw finally flash a smile when she laughed. From the repeated attempts to push and pull the cooler through the house to when she hugged the ceramic deer on the floor, it was all so bittersweet. I fought back the tears as my Mamaw held my hand and apologized that she couldn’t do more for us, that she was too weak to sit up the second day we visited. Of course, the moment I stepped out the front door and rang the rusty old wind chimes I always ring, I lost that fight and the tears flooded my eyes on the walk to the car. I can only pray that won’t be my last visit with her. I was urged to visit soon because her health is failing, and I can’t help but worry that while it gives her peace and happiness, my visit was the one she was waiting for before she gives up. With Papaw growing bitter and resentful of caring for her while she lay helpless, I wish I could do something to take away her pain and keep her here. Coming from a family that’s broken in more ways than one, I tend to cling to the people who are constants in my life. Maybe we’re not always in touch, but I know what to expect. I know I can be comfortable and safe and enjoy the presence of that person. My grandmother is the only family member I have for that these days. Her kindness pushes me to be a better person.

I’m disappointed that my time with my dad fell short. He was the main reason I came home this time. And because I split my time with him and mom, I don’t know if he knew that. Shame on me for not making it more obvious. Shame on him for not taking advantage of every moment anyway.

I was amused at the discussion whereby one family member didn’t see giving a toddler tons of chips as an issue… “Well, what’s NOT junk food then? How about some Fritos instead?”. Different thinking.

I am thankful for time with my mom and sister. We’re an odd bunch, but we still enjoy getting together for a few laughs…even on a hot and sticky day in mid-July.

I was sad and honored and reminiscent to spend the day at Dollywood. My mind immediately raced to thoughts of Granny. I practically grew up at that park, and there were many days when I went with her to work there, and I slept in her office until the park opened, and then spent the day by myself running around in what should have been every kid's dream. I remember feeling so adventurous by going into the employee hideouts and break rooms. I remember getting special treatment from the other employees. And I remember her loyalty. She was with us as we walked through the park together. She was there when Doodle took the wheel on the tea cups and made me laugh until I cried. She was there when we rode the carousel. Maybe she was the twinkle I saw in McKayla’s eye as she was trying to figure out how the whole thing worked.

I am thankful again for my mother taking care of Mac on more than one occasion so I could see friends. It’s so rare that I get to spend time with any of them, so despite exhaustion setting in, I squeezed every last minute out of each person. From a not-quite-long-enough-but-way-too-late evening of dinner and drinks with someone who reads and understands me better than most people (even better than I understand myself in some ways!) to an incredibly renewing hike with one of my most missed friends to an energetic gathering with “the gang” and all our kids… realizing it’s time to call it an evening as we saw the sun peeking up in the horizon.

This was truly one of the most meaningful breaks I’ve ever taken. If most vacations are about relaxing, this one was about renewing. Roots, relationships, and my spirit. I left last week with a heaviness in my heart, and while I still have worry and concern, I’ve been reminded of the experiences that shaped my perception, of the relationships that define my character, and of the person others think of when they think of me.

The Weight of the World

2010-06-28T22:08:00.001-04:00

She carries a teardrop in her front pocket.

... a box of joy on her left hip, and a cape tucked under her arm.

Behind those dark shades, you’ll find worry and love.

The fear pushes her back as she crosses the street each day. But A becomes B anyway.

Her moments of relaxation overflow with duty. She can't find the tunnel that devours the hours in the day.

Her quiet time is consumed by crunch time.

Her smile is weak, her laugh feels foreign on days like that.

Her feet convince her she has traveled the world with not a story to tell.

Her heart hangs heavy with guilt and longing and fear and worry and hope and feels cracked and warm and full all at the same moment.

The curtain of night falls, and just as she should have a short escape from it, it engulfs her again.

Her breath is tired. She takes off the mask and falls to the ground.

She lifts her head and is embraced by comfort and care.

But the weight of her world is heavy anyway.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'll deny it all. Life is just as you say it is. She says it is not what you think it is. She simply won't let it be.

Geography

2010-06-11T21:55:00.001-04:00

Interesting... I was looking for an old file on my flash drive and came across some old blog posts I had from a previous website. One particular entry just needed to be posted beside yesterday's entry about "clicks".

Original post: 1/2/08

Geography

I always knew I hated geography in school. I was good at it, but I hated it. Some things never change.

I've recently been consumed by thoughts about geography again. Not the kind of geography you're thinking though.... it's the kind of geography that keeps friends distant.

I have some amazing friends hundreds of miles away, and even with so many miles between us, we're never far apart. I have some amazing friends in the same area code, and it feels like there are many miles between us. So I've realized that the geography that distances friendships isn't the kind that can be measured with an odometer.

It's the kind that can only be experienced. Little twists and turns in life that simply put you at a different place. Not a few towns away, but a few situations apart. It's a strange place when friends start defining each other as "the married ones" or "the single ones"... the parents, the ones who don't have kids yet, don't want kids, the one with the job that keeps her busy or the bad luck that's hit recently.

It's an odd sensation when the friends from 10 years ago haven't heard about the latest news, but they can be the most comforting souls to be around... the friends of now and here feel the furthest away... and yet somehow one or two of those friends from back then make you wonder what keeps your friendship going.
It's a bittersweet feeling when you realize that because you're "settling" it builds a bit of a wall you can't see through... I could step over it, but I'm not sure what's on the other side anymore, and honestly, don't know that I want to. It's a place of comfort when you don't need to see the other side, yet it's a place of loneliness when you realize not many people are willing to climb the wall and stand beside you.

It's an amazing feeling though when someone does climb that wall to be with you.

Have you ever thought about the friends you have? How they became friends? Initially, it's all about geography - the this city is in this state kind. Then it's all about the experiences you have that make up the map of how you got where you are. You realize that the new geography you have to understand is all about choices we make. A decision to call or go or stay or do... to be with or without... to need or not... to want or waive... to be comfortable enough to ask questions and get the wrong answer but love them anyway... to be secure enough to ask a question that goes unanswered...

Are you friends because you're really friends... or are you friends because you've always been friends?

I wish I could figure out just how to take those miles away. Not the mile markers that give us a reason to relate, but the turns that take us to different places, where we suddenly don't know where we are.

The Power of a Click

2010-06-10T22:10:00.000-04:00

It's pretty fascinating when you step back and think about the power another person can have over you, your life, and the decisions you make. Many people may say they do what they want, don't care what others say, yadda yadda yadda.

In reality, our lives are shaped entirely by our relationships with others. The amazing thing is to see how your life can take a different direction when you meet someone who causes the "click". I'm not just talking about a significant other. Friends, family, even co-workers can give that click.

I look back at the relationships I've built in years past, and it warms my heart to say that I have a small group of people who just keep clicking with me. Some, I can't remember a defining moment when our relationship suddenly formed such a bond, but there are a few where I can identify that singular instance. Interestingly, the strongest ones seem to be the ones that just sort of happened.

I realize I've made many of the life decisions I have because of a relationship that just clicked... realizing I was strong enough to move away from family and be the first to leave our hometown, moving back to the hometown, taking off again, going against my "I will not get married" mantra and getting engaged so early in a relationship, moving to a state where I knew no one, and moving yet again to a place that's colder than I ever wanted to endure! Somewhere in each of those events was a big click.

I'm lucky enough to say that I have other relationships that are still strong just because they are. Some of my best friends are the ones I rarely hear from, but when we do finally get to have a conversation, things just click. Or long lost friends suddenly pop up again, and exchanging a few messages here and there is a comforting chat. Subtle clicks, but clicks nonetheless.

Green Eyes

2010-06-02T09:53:00.000-04:00

They’re piercing. They slice. They cut through life like a knife. All for reasons unknown, unneeded, unwanted.

But that’s where they get you. They make you think you want what they see. Those green eyes, they live behind rose-colored glasses, tempting you and taunting you, and taking everything you have and turning it to dust.

Who will fight for the dust? Who will give in to the blue skies and rainbows those green eyes bring your way?

She found happiness. I want that. He does what he wants when he wants without any question. I want that. She has the new X or Y or Z. He gets to do this and that. Do you want that? Those green eyes will have you believe you do.

You probably never knew you wanted any of that until those green eyes opened. From the other side, you're probably the one with the blue skies and rainbows.

Some people call them a monster.

But when I find those green eyes putting on those rose-colored glasses for me to see, I’m thankful for the opportunity to take stock in my own blue skies.

Blink. Blink. Blink. Hello hazel. Why don’t you stay a while?

Chronicle of the first 24 hours with a "dumb phone"

2010-05-14T21:33:00.004-04:00

So, I hooked up one of Graham’s old phones. First thing, how the heck do I use it?! I’ve had a BB for so long, I really don’t remember how normal phones operate! I have to learn how to text again. I can manage that surely.

11:30 pm: Time for bed. What does my schedule look like tomorrow? Hmmm. I can’t use my Outlook calendar on this thing. Well, how’s the weather supposed to be? Uh oh. So, I have to log into the laptop to check my schedule so I know if I have meetings – and how is the weather going to be – so I can plan my wardrobe accordingly.

6:00 am: Storming like crazy. There’s no chance I’m walking to the train in this mess. I’ll sleep in. And I don’t have any appointments in the morning, so I’ll take a later train to get in.

8:00 am: Thank goodness I signed up for Twitter alerts by text to keep up with the train delays. I cancelled the emails a few weeks ago, and today, I’m thankful those texts are still coming in. Major delays on the trains. They’re all running 35-40 minutes late, but I’ll still go catch whatever is coming next.

8:45 am: Where is the train?! Can’t hear the announcements from the loudspeaker. Ordinarily, I would log into the Metra’s mobile website to check for status updates and system-wide messages.

8:55 am: Train finally showed up, but it’s packed. Less than standing room only since everyone is just piling on the first train that comes along… which happens to be this one. I overhear the conductor talking about it. The rain flooded one of the trains, so they had all sorts of issues getting everything going this morning. Understandable. He laughs when someone mentions how crowded it is. The next train came through 5 minutes later and it’s pretty much empty. Damnit. If I was able to log into the website, I could have seen that and actually had a seat. But instead, I’m leaning on the lavatory door, trying not to fall in, not to touch anything, and not to smash the banana in my bag!

9:25 am: Getting settled in at the office. Banana smashed. I blame the lack of BB for this. Opened Outlook and am relieved to see only 12 messages from last night to this morning. Nothing urgent. Whew.

11:00 am: off to a meeting. Almost forgot about it. I had the speakers muted on my laptop, and I have a million task and appointment reminders blowing up all day, so I didn't hear the new one for the appointment ding, and almost missed the meeting. If I had my BB, I would have seen the reminder blinking. Oh well. Close, but no catastrophe.

12:00 pm: just got back from the meeting. Drats. Another 25 emails in an hour. About half of those I could have answered on the elevator on the way back up to my office.

2:30 pm: Really? I haven't checked FB all day? Hmmm.

4:00 pm: Today is my grandmother's birthday. I have to remember to call her tonight. I would ordinarily plug in a reminder on the BB. I'll do it the old-fashioned way. Where are the post-its?

5:00 pm: almost home on the train. I forgot my book at the office, so it's dreadfully boring!

5:35 pm: just got home. Nice walk. No interruptions. Have to remember to change my voicemail and remove the "Kim with Equity" message since the cell number is now just personal. Maybe I should change my number. Too much trouble. Hope I remember to change the message... I don't want to ruin the quiet walk by doing it now.

8:00 pm: Alright. So I've checked my work email 3 times since I've been home. All three times I've had urgent messages. I need to work on getting everyone I support to understand that urgent is fire, flood, or blood. Everything else can wait.

11:00 pm: Yikes. I spent longer than normal online tonight. Had to catch up on FB, check my bank balances, and I remembered to check the weather for tomorrow. All things I usually do on the train on the way home. I can adjust. I think I can. I think I can.

11:30 pm: Can't sleep. Feel like I'm forgetting something.

2:30 am: Still having trouble sleeping. What did I forget?!

4:00 am: Something on a post it note. What was on the post it note? Where did I put that stupid post it note?!

Next morning: Damnit. I forgot to call my sweet Mamaw to wish her happy birthday.

Update on 5/27: I still haven't given in!!! I hate not having mobile access, but I'm adjusting. I just have to stop keeping the laptop open. It's really ok to not be connected 24/7, right? I just have to get used to delayed gratification... and paper. Yuck.

The back story

2010-05-12T22:05:00.000-04:00

First, a little background story. I got my first cell phone in 1999 or so. I kept it for several years, but decided to let it go around 2003. I found I was always accessible at work or at home, so I didn’t need it. The office where I worked called me constantly when I was home, so if by rare chance, I did make it out to do something fun, I was glad I didn’t get calls from them then. Don’t get me wrong, I was always glad to help, but this was my way to balance it all. Fast forward to 2005, when Graham and I moved to Tennessee again, and he started working for Verizon… suddenly we had cell phones. Imagine that. Because I started a new role, and traveled like crazy, my company started covering the cost for mine. Beautiful. I only used it for work anyway. They told me to get a Blackberry. They didn’t say when, so I just kept putting it off.

When I moved back to Florida in 2006, my boss realized I still didn’t have that Blackberry. No more avoiding it – I got one, although quite reluctantly. Travel, teaching, and speaking at meetings dominated my time, so it helped me avoid falling behind on work and emails (answering support questions was a big part of my job then). The BB and I became one. I relied on it for task reminders, appointment reminders, and just about everything imaginable.

Then in late 2009, I took a new role and moved to Chicago for a position that supposedly requires little if any, travel. (It’s only May, and I’ve attended 5 conferences.) It was decided that I probably no longer needed the Blackberry for work anymore, so after brief, inconclusive conversation about it a few months ago – where I explained how I rely on it heavily in my new role with demands from leaders and other departments, I never heard anything more, but this week I found out it was no longer covered. Oops, didn’t have a chance to plan proactively for that change. Truly, I’m not upset about it. I’m actually quite excited about not being “on” constantly. Answer emails only during regular office hours, really?! OK! Don’t worry about logging in to fix an issue with a document or course or page as I’m eating dinner?! OK!

Let’s see how this goes. I just called to drop my data plan. AT&T said no. I had a Blackberry, so I had to have a data plan. Argh. I found an old crummy phone, switched my SIM card, called back, and dropped the data. I also cut my minutes in half. Each month, we have about 600+ minutes that go into the rollover balance, and that many expire each month too since they only roll for 12 months. With over 6000 minutes in that bucket, cutting the minutes in half seems logical. Oh, but if you cut your rate plan, you cap out at the equivalent number of minutes, so in my case, keep only 700. Um, no. I convinced the guy to let me keep them. Feeling better about this.

Motivation

2010-05-10T17:07:00.002-04:00

I’ve been facilitating courses on sales leadership in the past few weeks, and the content really resonates with me. Sure, the course covers a bit of the sales piece – how to read sales reports, how to evaluate the data, what questions to ask – but moreover, it’s a course on leadership. The skills that make a strong leader are essentially the same across any industry, and truly, I believe, the same in your personal life as they are in your professional career.

I try to lead my two lives as one and the same, but I have to admit that what motivates me in one is obviously not the same as what motivates me in the other.
Or so I thought.

When it comes down to it, there are two types of motivation – intrinsic and extrinsic. I’m typically intrinsically motivated, meaning I have initiative, I desire a sense of accomplishment, being appreciated, feeling like I’m part of something, and fulfilling my need to grown and learn.
So, really, how is that any different than what I want at home?
I’ve realized that it really isn’t. I probably slack more on my personal initiative personally than professionally. It’s still there, and I still have a strong desire to DO, but sometimes fall short in the delivery. I’m just too busy. I still fight to mark things off my to do list, to feel accomplished, but lately, I’ve discovered that my accomplishments seem to be less monumental than what I seek. Cleaning the kitchen, finishing the laundry… It’s a struggle to get those things done, so no wonder I’m feeling less than accomplished in that aspect. I want bigger things. I want to know that I’m providing my daughter with a rich environment – a home full of learning opportunities, exploration, and new experiences. I feel like I fall short there because I don’t have enough time in the day.

Next on the motivational list? Appreciation. Well, I’ve only recently admitted that I need to be appreciated. And I’m not sure I’ve admitted it loudly. I tend to hide behind an invincible wall where I don’t need anyone or anything. I’m strong, and I can do whatever I put my mind to. But in truth, I need to know that what I’m doing matters… to someone. Putting on my superwoman cape in the past means perhaps I’ve closed this door to others. I’m starting to notice it now, and I think that could be because I’m suddenly being recognized and appreciated more at work than ever before, so it’s a stark contrast between my two worlds.
I know I’m part of something at home. I see that little girl smile, or sign a new word, or get stronger as she wobbles across the room, and I know I’ve played some part in that.

And right now, I think my need to grown and learn is dominated by my professional life. I’m learning so much and getting so many new experiences. Here, my cup runneth over. My only worry is that I’m learning so much, and I’m so excited and motivated by it, that I wonder if I’m alienating myself by doing so.

So now I can recognize and articulate what motivates me. You may be able to do the same. The big question that comes up though is whether you know what motivates the ones you love? And what do you do if you can identify at least something that motivates them, and you realize you can’t give it to them. You can be supportive, but when does supportive become trite? When does encouragement and words of hope become empty noises? When does watching your loved ones be disappointed become too much? You start to feel guilty for your own successes. You start to worry about how quickly the hands of time are turning, and you realize that your own motivation isn’t enough to get you there. Even scarier is when you realize you don’t know where there is anymore. There in one world is easy to locate, but there in the other is filled with uncertainty and the unknown. How can you know how to get there if you don’t know where you’re going?
For someone who strives to hold two lives as one and the same, it hurts like hell when the two worlds collide.

Be intentional.

2010-04-24T00:53:00.002-04:00

Wow. This week, I had the amazing opportunity to teach a class on leading sales teams. At first, I was a bit hesitant about the material itself. I got the message, but the material itself was overwhelming. Somehow, I convinced myself not to stress out over the materials – a visual presentation, flipcharts, handouts, guides, flowcharts… you name it, we gave it to them. I had to coordinate all that “stuff” with a simple, yet powerful message. Something in the back of my mind told me not to get too wrapped up in the nitty-gritty, the perfection of hitting every point in the facilitator’s guide, and just deliver a message.

The amazing thing is that I was a systems trainer for several years, so most of my classroom time was spent showing how to use a software program, clarifying policies, teaching procedures, and hitting general compliance issues. Not small potatoes, but not the most inspirational of topics. Then the department reorganized, and I was fortunate enough to be selected for a new position that involved so many different topics. I’ve loved it so far. But today was one of those days that gave me chills. It was a day that I was truly thankful for what I do and the opportunities I have to make a difference in my company.

We’re rolling out a new sales program, and with that, a new program for our managers to better understand their role in the new program. We’ve typically taken a “teach the sales people and they’ll just do it” approach. Now though, we’re recognizing that the sales teams can’t succeed without leadership along the way… not management, but true leadership.

Unknowingly when my co-facilitator and I planned the agenda, I think I got the better end of the deal. I got to deliver the best parts of the course… motivation, intention, and what it means to be a leader, not just a manager. It was such a simple message at the core… how do you want to show up? Lead from the front. Set the example. Ask nothing of your team if you’re not willing to do it yourself. Be intentional. Have a purpose. Such simple thoughts, but when you commit to putting them into action, they lead to the most powerful results. Personal growth, engagement, a desire to succeed, and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

So, how will you show up? Find your intent and own it. I just did.

Is that you?

2010-04-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

Is that you...

bouncing around in my head

dancing with my spirit

challenging my mind

pushing me to be better

questioning my intent

holding my heart

opening my eyes

and lifting me up?

Is that you...

singing that song

making me better

tinkering with technology

grinning at my note

laughing at my spastic ways

and encouraging me all along?

Is that you...

waiting for me

reaching for me

ready to be close

wanting to show me what's new

and telling me your thoughts in your funny little way?

Is that you...

asking questions

needing answers

finding you

making your own way

tasting freedom

and moving to the next adventure?

Is that you?

Or is that me?

A lil bit o' love goes a long, long way...

2010-04-15T17:15:00.001-04:00

I love that the snow is gone, and the sun is out.

I love that I get to start my day with a stroll through the neighborhood, and end it the same way.

I love that I've found some old friends, and the friendship is still there.

I love that my best friend has found happiness, and we're finally dismissing the excuses to see each other.

I love that I had an unplanned "slumber party" and stayed up all night chatting with a dear friend.

I love that I'm learning again, feeling challenged, and knowing what I do makes a difference.

I love that McKayla is a sponge and is learning so much each day.

I love that I get to read on the train....

.... and that the thoughts in my head are louder than the tunes on my iPod

.... and that I just started skipping through the train station for no reason.

Heartbreak and Joy

2010-02-28T14:44:00.001-05:00

What a roller coaster of emotions I've experienced lately... mostly as an observer of what's happening in the lives of many friends. Oddly, everything seems to be centered around marriages and babies.

Three friends have either just gone through or are now mid-divorce.

Three friends are expecting - one with his first and two with their seconds.

Two friends recently had children - one with twins, one with her second child.

Another friend delivered her first child the same night the same night as our mutual friend and his wife went to the hospital and delivered their first... who was very premature and didn't make it through the night.

I also just found out that one of my best friends from high school lost a child due to miscarriage last year, and I never knew.

Another friend lost his 4-year old a few months ago due to complications during surgery.

And yet another friend recently lost his 10-year old son, who was never expected to live beyond the first year or two of his life.

There are so many people experiencing so much joy, so much pain, and so much grief all at the same time. It's amazing how simple it is to be wrapped up in your own world, to be experiencing the joy of being blessed with an amazing, healthy child and a strong marriage.

I have moments when I question where I am in my own life, and then witnessing so many things my friends are going through, and I can't help but have a heavy heart, and yet be so thankful and so overwhelmed with love for my own child.

Today is one of those days when Doodle had a complete meltdown, and I could see how very quickly the patience in our house ran out. In the blink of an eye, I felt a twinge of pain. I remembered my friend who just lost his newborn child two days ago. I grabbed Doodle, ran upstairs, and just sat on the bed holding her until she calmed down.

She's a magical little girl. Even when she's inconsolable, her presence consoles me.

Oh really?! THAT almost makes me cry?

2010-02-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

Alright, so it's time to fess up. I'm baffled.

For some reason, every time I watch a show where someone "makes it", I get a little flash where I feel like I could well up and cry. That little blurb in your throat...

The thing is, it really irrates me that I get that way about it! Maybe that's the "me" I THINK I am trying to supress the me I REALLY am.

I don't like to admit it, for whatever ridiculous reason, but I am a bit of a softy. Perhaps it's from the cliche' experience of being hurt before, so I try to keep people at a distance by being the tough one?

Whatever it is, I guess it's time to give up the act. Well, at least to the 2 people who read this...

Reflection

2010-02-14T21:11:00.004-05:00

Inspiration can come from the strangest places.

Over the past few weeks, I've been very lucky to spend some time with my best friend, (whom I only see once a year or so on average), have found a few old friends online, have tried to spend as much quality time with the family as I can, and I've been learning so many new things.

Since I've moved, things have definitely been more stressful in my world. I knew the new position would be a challenge... and that's a big part of why I wanted it. So with that, I've done quite a bit of learning on my own, and I've been fortunate enough to have the company pay for a few formal learning experiences too. With all that time I've spent learning, of course, that's been time away from the to do list. Projects have been building up, and here I am in the middle of crunch time. I have to deliver, but I realize that sometimes I love my job a bit too much. I have to remember to balance my dedication to my work with the more important dedication to my family.

Spending time or catching up with old friends has helped me realize that I am still a person of my own, not wholly defined by what I do. That's a pretty big pill to swallow, but I'm working on it. I've seen too many relationships fall apart lately, hearts broken, and worlds changed because we sometimes forget to take a moment to be who we are. We get wrapped up in what we have to get done, we get swept away in what we're expected to do, and we all too often forget to spend any time focusing on the "me" of it. You can't be the world to others if you forget what you have to offer.

Yesterday I spent a few hours catching up with an old friend, and I have to say I came out of the conversation feeling, well... indescribable. For a writer, that's an odd sensation. (But then again, I haven't been writing so much lately, so perhaps that's why I can't articulate my thoughts around it now.) After not speaking for around ten years or so, I wasn't sure what to expect from the conversation. I would say I was pleasantly surprised, but I wasn't really surprised, to find our discussion to be very open, honest, and warm. We chatted about the way things are now, a bit about how things used to be, and who we are as people. How often do you have that kind of discussion with anyone, let alone someone you haven't spoken to in so long? It was definitely a refreshing conversation. A defining conversation. I'm very thankful to have the opportunity to have this friend back in my life, even if it's only through the realm of social media. He is going through some rough times he doesn't deserve, so my heart hurts a bit for what he's going through. Putting aside the situation he's in, I sensed a bit of optimism. Through the pain, I still saw a great person with much to offer. I just hope he finds his way through it, and I hope to be a friend by his side.

Although some of the topics were as far from sunshine and rainbows as you can get, I still came out of it feeling inspired. Inspired to be a better person (again), inspired to be a better friend, and inspired to be a better mother and wife.

Oh, blasted procrastination!

2010-01-01T21:10:00.002-05:00

Since I've taken this new job, I've been through a roller coaster of events and emotions that I didn't expect... both personally and professionally.

I'm still very excited about all the new opportunities, but admittedly a bit overwhelmed by the neverending to do list. For the first time in my professional career, I'm behind. Way behind. I have deadlines running into deadlines running into new iniatives and new deadlines.

The thing is, I just need to get this one major project pushed out. It's undeniably boring, and I've had to learn a completely new system from scratch and write training manuals and develop online courses for it. I made the mistake of thinking I could do it on my own, and truly failed at asking the right questions in the beginning and seeking help from the true subject-matter experts. Realization: I'm no longer an SME. I've always been an SME! Now it's my job to crack information from others and create training materials from it. And of course, there's a million other tasks I'm responsible for, but I get those done with no problem. I know how to do them, I'm confident about it, and breeze through those duties.

But this. This project is weighing on me like a ton of bricks. The really bad thing is that this project is my new boss's pet project. It's the one big thing I am actually doing "for her" versus all the other projects where I work with my old boss and others throughout the company. I feel guilty and ashamed about it. Yet I know I can do it. I just can't get excited about this one.

The joy of it all... it's now Friday night. I have to have 6 modules (think chapters of a training book) and 6 online tutorials ready by Monday. I have 3 modules and some ideas. And I got tickets to the Magic vs. Bulls here in Chicago for tomorrow night, so most of the day tomorrow is gone for that.

Time to get crackin... I need a miracle.

It almost got me. Almost.

2009-10-20T22:59:00.002-04:00

The doubt, the worry, the never-ending to do list, the stress of it all...

We're finally in the windy city now, and amazingly, it's been a pretty smooth transition. I had a few rough patches, where things just didn't go as planned. Once again, as soon as I let go of that controlling aspect, things were just fine. Just go with it. If there's one thing I've learned from that handsome hubby of mine, it's how to just let things happen. (Ok, so I've learned a heck of a lot more from him, but we'll just focus on one thing at a time, ok?!)

Last night was a low for me, and for no particular reason. I had an average day at work - nothing spectacular or even memorable happened. The train was on time, the weather was gorgeous (so I heard on the weather channel), and things were just as they should be. But for whatever reason, I got cranky and pissy when I started going through my normal house cleaning routine - just a quick sweep to load the dishwasher, sweep up the broken glass (I was in a hurry and didn't grab the ladder when I should have, so I carelessly knocked over my espresso glass), and the little things just suddenly hit me. Alright, so now that I think about it, I think I was really bitten by the attention bug. I wanted some attention and appreciation. We've been busy at work, and I'm getting things done, but my boss has been just as swamped as I am, so we've hardly spoken since the move (and she's in the office right next door!). And the hubby has a houseguest, so he's hanging out with him.

I think it was just a meltdown. I'm not ordinarily someone who needs that recognition or vocalized appreciation, so it was very strange for me to suddenly want it. To suddenly need it. To seriously go to bed cranky and ready to cry and wake up the same way. Perhaps it was doubt creeping in. Did I make the right decision? I love my job, but is this the best thing for my family? It's going to be really, really cold soon. Am I going to be ok with that? I usually hide from cold. These blasted hardwood floors are going to make me crazy. Why did I pick this place? Silly doubts. Yes, I made the right decision. This job is amazing. The Chicago area is amazing - so many things to do, see, and try. Our neighborhood, excuse me - VILLAGE - is adorable. We just need to meet some people here. And get over it. The floor will get scratched. Deal with it when we move out, but live and enjoy living here without panicking over damaging the stupid floor.

I often find myself thinking of how others react to various situations, and try to convince myself that I would react differently. Why get all worked up over things? For the most part, I do feel pretty level-headed about all life's unexpected surprises. I can usually let things roll off my back, but I think after so many things kept rolling, I just lay down and hold onto the little things instead of letting them go.

It's truly about what you do with the thoughts that come into your mind. How am I going to react to this news? What am I going to tell this person about what just happened? He just said this, which makes me feel that... do I address it or let it go? What happens if I say what I'm thinking? Does it make the situation any better? If the answer is no, why is it so hard to keep my mouth shut? If the answer is yes, for whom is it better? My ego? Being right isn't always the right thing to do. Feeling smarter or self-gratified means nothing in 2 minutes.

I've been reading quite a bit lately - something I've missed for many years, and I'm so excited to have a few minutes every day on the train to do now. I'm reading a wonderful book by Marshall Goldsmith, who was a speaker at a conference I attended last year. I actually won a free copy of his book during the event (by winning - of course - ugh), and got to speak with him for a bit after his discussion. I can honestly say that I was intrigued by what he had to say then, and I did try to make a few changes to some personal habits then. The book ended up in a box somewhere, and during our recent move, it resurfaced. I reluctantly began to read it. The book is What Got You Here Won't Get You There, and it's really targeting making successful people more successful. There's my reluctance. One - by reading this book, and people seeing me reading it - I feel like a schmuck announcing to the world that I think I'm oh-so-successful, but I want to conquer more. I got over that and decided to dive in anyway. My second reluctance though is knowing that this person's views were simple enough, strong enough, and compelling enough in a 60-minute presentation to make me want to make changes, so I can only imagine what he can make me think in an entire 230-page book when I'm captive on the train with an iPod attached to my head. (I do my best relaxing, soul-searching, and living in the moment with that thing plugged into my brain.) Change, for me, is often exciting, and I thrive in an environment with lots of change (my job!). But actually changing me... well, that's another story. I'm stubborn. But admittedly, I can be better. I can be nicer. I want people around me to be nicer. I want my daughter to be a warm and wonderful person. I want my husband and I to enjoy our moments together. I want so many things, so now I just have to do them.

I'll post more on my journey with Goldsmith later. He's quite logical and brilliant. And funny. I'm still processing some thoughts and what exactly I want to change.

For now, I'm going to go thank my husband for being a great dad. Then I'm off to bed. No cranky, no pissy. Just content to be exactly where I am at this moment. And not knowing where I'm going... and being ok with that.

Things to remember before I forget... about babies.

2009-09-06T12:25:00.008-04:00

There are so many things we've learned along the way with this little bundle of joy. Some of them are definitely things no one could have told us to expect since each baby is different. But some of the basics, well, I wish I would have known sooner.

This blog is dedicated to a simple list of things to know for the next round, or wisdom to share with friends who are welcoming their little ones. I'll add to the list as I think of things, and as we learn new lessons.

Socks are simply not necessary for at least the first 9+ months. Same goes for shoes. Until they start walking, avoid the hassle of chasing down lost socks in stores. Shoes are super cute, but useless. Now, of course, if you live in a cold climate, I'm not saying to go out in the freezing cold with 10 little piggies exposed, but on a daily basis, they just aren't worth the hassle.
Adorable little fancy dresses are just that. Adorable. But not practical. Only buy these for a specific event, for which you already know the date, weather, and how big the kid really is.
Hats go with shoes and socks. Have one or two on hand, but that's it! Don't buy the outfit with the matching socks, shoes, bibs, hats, and the whole nine yards. Even if it's a great deal!
Don't waste your money on 30" x 30" receiving blankets. They'll outgrow them in a few weeks, and then you're left with these things that are too small to be blankets, too large to be burp cloths. Cute or not, go for the bigger ones - at least 30" x 40". The waffle weave thermal ones are the best - stretchy, warm, but not heavy, and a variety of prints and colors.
The swing is a godsend. Just make sure to check to see if the seat is adjustable, and you CAN put your newborn in it. We were idiots and forgot to adjust the recline position back to flat so we didn't use it for the first 6-8 weeks, and that would have been great to have.
The tummy time mats are worth it.
No matter how many toys you have, the favorites will be remotes, keys, cell phones, and empty plastic bottles.
The nipples for bottles come in different levels... don't forget to change them out. When the baby gets fussy because the bottle is too slow, and you realize different levels are options, you should not realize that your little one should be using a level 4, when she's still on level 1.
Crinkly paper toys rock for the first 6-8 months or so. Then, it's all about having things to bang together and pieces to pick up and throw.
If you're using disposable diapers, pampers swaddlers are the best. Don't even look at the others for the first 6+ months.
For cloth diapers, all-in-ones make our lives simpler. Some friends have used other types with great successes. For our little one, AIOs, preferably pocket-style are great.
Butt Paste works on everything.
Teatree Oil is available at Walgreens. A few drops in the wash with cloth diapers makes the stinky go away and it has great antibacterial properties. (Thanks for the tip, Nikel!)
The Tiny Love Symphony in Motion mobile is wonderful, as is the Fisher Price Rainforest waterfall soother.
For nail clippers, go with the kind that has the big plastic bulb-looking thing on the end. It's much easier to hold. The plastic guard on the clipper type are horrible though!
Generic brands are fine for just about everything... except wipes. Pampers wipes are the best, then Huggies, but Parent's Choice wipes are not in the running at all.
There's no such thing as taking too many pictures or videos. Time flies, and one day, maybe when you retire, you'll want to put them all in an album or scrapbook.
The baby MP3 player is worth it.
Huggies Overnights actually work... from 20+ pounds.
V8 Fusion is much better than traditional fruit juices. Mac chugs the stuff, and it's actually good for her!
NEVER, ever, ever give a kid milk if she has had a stomach virus. Even if she hasn't gotten sick in 3-4 days, don't do it! Soy milk is a wonderful thing during that time.

Once it's said, it's much easier for it to be done... for the most part.

2009-08-23T13:51:00.002-04:00

I would say I needed a break from blogging, but with only one entry, that would be a pretty pathetic excuse. I had to let all the worries become decisions, so it took a little time. I'm amazed at how finally making a decision, verbalizing it, and letting it be known can give so much relief.

It's official. In a few weeks, we'll be moving to Chicago. When all is said and done, we have some pretty amazing opportunities there - for the entire family. It was by far one of the most difficult decisions we've had to make, but I'm excited to see how everything plays out. After spending several years traveling, I think I'll enjoy a break from that, especially now that I have that adorable little girl to come home to. She knows how to make me feel guiltty when I'm leaving for a trip, so I won't have to endure that torture as often.

The sad part to all this excitement is that I have to leave behind some pretty amazing friends. I've found that some friends are simply friends of convenience, and while you may hang out a lot, when things change - someone moves - that friendship quickly fades away. While I have those friends (and appreciate them still!), I have also grown closer to some friends who will still be wonderful friends when the miles are too high to count between us. I know we'll still talk, we'll make arrangements to see each other on vacations, it's harder still because they're exactly where I am in life right now. Finding a great friend is hard enough, but finding a great friend with a new little one makes it even more rewarding. You get to share the little moments that touch your heart, the funny stories that make you laugh so hard you cry, and the curious moments when the little ones get together for a play date. I'm saddened that I'll miss those moments with these wonderful people.

Really? I'm doing this?

2009-07-15T00:07:00.001-04:00

I've never thought of myself as the blogging type. In no way do I mean that it's a bad type to be, but I didn't think it was for me. Then I realized that I am a previous journal-writing type, and an I'll-spill-my-guts-on-a-few-blank-notebook-pages type, and I'm as connected as one person can be.

So, with the thoughts exploding in my mind, here I go.

I'm a bit of a chameleon. I'm a corporate type, but I'm a green-pushing bit of a tree hugger too. I'm extremely career-driven, but I'm a big mush when it comes to my lil family (still getting used to that!) I'm a hard-ass, big softy.

And that's enough of an introduction for now. I'm not here at the moment to tell who I am. I'm here to clear my head of all the thoughts clogging it up.

What should I do? (This is me now speaking to myself. Should I worry about whether or not I'll answer?)

I don't know what I should do. I'm torn. I'm tired of wondering, worrying, and crying. I'm tired of being ecstatic about the possibilities one second to be crushed by the realities the next. I want the job I think they want to give me, but I want it here, not there. I want him to be happy if I do have to take it there and not here. I want it not to be cold there. I want the house here. I want the city and the culture there. I want the short commute here. I want the friends here to be there. I want the friends there to be here. I want the opportunities there to be here. I want my mom to be able to go there one day when she's finally ready to leave her own "here". I want there not to be so expensive. I want his music here to be twice as successful there. I want his opportunity to be where mine is. I want the job here not to involve so many "theres", especially since they don't include the "there" I like. I want the job there. I want my life here. I want and I want and I want and I want. And the scariest part of all is that the change I want just might happen, but then again, if I don't take what they want me to take, I may not have an option and may find myself getting to know CareerBuilder a bit better than I have ever hoped.

Oh, blasted adulthood. (But at least the dinner and wine was good tonight... and the upgraded jacuzzi suite. Thanks for that, job "here" that won't be the same soon.)