Really? I'm doing this?

I've never thought of myself as the blogging type. In no way do I mean that it's a bad type to be, but I didn't think it was for me. Then I realized that I am a previous journal-writing type, and an I'll-spill-my-guts-on-a-few-blank-notebook-pages type, and I'm as connected as one person can be.

So, with the thoughts exploding in my mind, here I go.

I'm a bit of a chameleon. I'm a corporate type, but I'm a green-pushing bit of a tree hugger too. I'm extremely career-driven, but I'm a big mush when it comes to my lil family (still getting used to that!) I'm a hard-ass, big softy.

And that's enough of an introduction for now. I'm not here at the moment to tell who I am. I'm here to clear my head of all the thoughts clogging it up.

What should I do? (This is me now speaking to myself. Should I worry about whether or not I'll answer?)

I don't know what I should do. I'm torn. I'm tired of wondering, worrying, and crying. I'm tired of being ecstatic about the possibilities one second to be crushed by the realities the next. I want the job I think they want to give me, but I want it here, not there. I want him to be happy if I do have to take it there and not here. I want it not to be cold there. I want the house here. I want the city and the culture there. I want the short commute here. I want the friends here to be there. I want the friends there to be here. I want the opportunities there to be here. I want my mom to be able to go there one day when she's finally ready to leave her own "here". I want there not to be so expensive. I want his music here to be twice as successful there. I want his opportunity to be where mine is. I want the job here not to involve so many "theres", especially since they don't include the "there" I like. I want the job there. I want my life here. I want and I want and I want and I want. And the scariest part of all is that the change I want just might happen, but then again, if I don't take what they want me to take, I may not have an option and may find myself getting to know CareerBuilder a bit better than I have ever hoped.

Oh, blasted adulthood. (But at least the dinner and wine was good tonight... and the upgraded jacuzzi suite. Thanks for that, job "here" that won't be the same soon.)