I find it quite interesting that I've suddenly befriended a few old friends again.
I'm very thankful that three individuals have come back into my life after so many years. I had very different relationships with each person, and I am amazed that in each case, we have been able to pick up our friendship right where we left it around a decade ago.
I'm puzzled by the way our lives took us in different directions, and I'm intrigued that somehow we've ended up in the right place at the right time to find each other again. (As cliche as it seems, Facebook is good for something!)
And though I know our time together this coming weekend won't be long enough, I'm anxious and all warm and fuzzy to see each of them. It's like finding a lost little piece of me again.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Today is the day.
In all of my recent reflections, I've realized one thing that I've realized before, but all too often forget.
It's really quite simple.
Today.
That's it. Just today.
I often forget to focus on living today. I thought I was spending too much time worrying about tomorrow, or dwelling on yesterday, but truly, I just don't focus on today enough.
Each day this week, I've tried to focus on just that - living in the moment, getting done what I can get done, and letting it go if I don't get it done by the end of the day. Appreciating greatly the fact that people from yesterday have joined me in my today.
I have to say, it's difficult at times to be conscientious of it, but when I am, it yields great results.
Just this week, I've knocked off over a dozen tasks that have been rolling over on my daily to do list, we've taken Mac to the park twice, I've enjoyed a few extra bike rides just for the sake of it, enjoyed a great teambuilding event I organized for work, and I didn't frantically clean up the house at the end of the day. (Admittedly, I don't think I'll hang on to that habit. I hate waking up to the chaos we leave downstairs!)
So, today? Today, I've already had 3 conversations with long-time friends (texting counts... and one was a real phone call too!), completed 3 more annoying little to-dos, moved a project to the next phase, and made a delicious breakfast for my Doodle. It's only 1 PM, so I'll work for a few more hours, then we'll see what this focus brings.
It's really quite simple.
Today.
That's it. Just today.
I often forget to focus on living today. I thought I was spending too much time worrying about tomorrow, or dwelling on yesterday, but truly, I just don't focus on today enough.
Each day this week, I've tried to focus on just that - living in the moment, getting done what I can get done, and letting it go if I don't get it done by the end of the day. Appreciating greatly the fact that people from yesterday have joined me in my today.
I have to say, it's difficult at times to be conscientious of it, but when I am, it yields great results.
Just this week, I've knocked off over a dozen tasks that have been rolling over on my daily to do list, we've taken Mac to the park twice, I've enjoyed a few extra bike rides just for the sake of it, enjoyed a great teambuilding event I organized for work, and I didn't frantically clean up the house at the end of the day. (Admittedly, I don't think I'll hang on to that habit. I hate waking up to the chaos we leave downstairs!)
So, today? Today, I've already had 3 conversations with long-time friends (texting counts... and one was a real phone call too!), completed 3 more annoying little to-dos, moved a project to the next phase, and made a delicious breakfast for my Doodle. It's only 1 PM, so I'll work for a few more hours, then we'll see what this focus brings.
Friday, August 20, 2010
A conversation can...
... change your world.
You just have to let go of any fear and have it anyway.
You just have to let go of any fear and have it anyway.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Angry
She had amazing potential. I looked up to her.... intelligent, funny, motivated, and a smile that lit up the room. She was warm and kind, and she was a joy to spend the day with. Most days, at least.
And then she realized she wasn't being true to herself. She made the big announcement, and suddenly, she decided that no one would accept her for who she was, so all of those traits I admired seemed to be shoved away. Somehow, she thought she couldn't be that person and live the life she wanted to live... had to be tough to handle the objections thrown at her, I suppose.
Her world suddenly became about defending her lifestyle. I never saw what she was fighting back then. Now, she wears it on her sleeve, her suit of armor, and I see the cutting glances. I see the disproving glares. I know she fights it now. But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, we lived in the same world. She made a choice, and decided she didn't want to be part of that world any more. And while I respect her fearlessness, I'll never understand why she felt it was necessary, knowing it causes her so much pain. Could it have been avoided?
And then, she forgot about her potential and made her world exist in one thing - one person. Her entire world. So now that her entire world walked out the door, she's crushed. She is filled with a darkness and emptiness and a never-ending river of tears. Her breath hurts. Her thoughts assault her. We had a conversation I couldn't understand - literally. Her sobs, while slightly over the top, were certainly true. And her threats are terrifying.
And for this, I am angry. I am angry. I'm angry that she chose to put her entire reason for being into this one person. I'm angry that she doesn't know her own worth. I'm angry that she doesn't care about anyone else who loves about her. I'm angry that in putting herself entirely into this one world, when that world walked away, she is left with nothing, as nothing, and is selfishly making threats to end it all. She defined herself as only one half. She gave away any sense of self. I'm angry that she won't give herself a chance anymore, that she gave up on her life, thinking that her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to have both.
Anger is not my friend... nor even an acquaintance. We, anger and I, meet so seldom that I can't seem to remember the last time I felt this way. Truly, it's not who I am, not who I want to be.
I'm hoping that this post will wash away that anger. I want it out of my system. It's not mine.
And then she realized she wasn't being true to herself. She made the big announcement, and suddenly, she decided that no one would accept her for who she was, so all of those traits I admired seemed to be shoved away. Somehow, she thought she couldn't be that person and live the life she wanted to live... had to be tough to handle the objections thrown at her, I suppose.
Her world suddenly became about defending her lifestyle. I never saw what she was fighting back then. Now, she wears it on her sleeve, her suit of armor, and I see the cutting glances. I see the disproving glares. I know she fights it now. But it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, we lived in the same world. She made a choice, and decided she didn't want to be part of that world any more. And while I respect her fearlessness, I'll never understand why she felt it was necessary, knowing it causes her so much pain. Could it have been avoided?
And then, she forgot about her potential and made her world exist in one thing - one person. Her entire world. So now that her entire world walked out the door, she's crushed. She is filled with a darkness and emptiness and a never-ending river of tears. Her breath hurts. Her thoughts assault her. We had a conversation I couldn't understand - literally. Her sobs, while slightly over the top, were certainly true. And her threats are terrifying.
And for this, I am angry. I am angry. I'm angry that she chose to put her entire reason for being into this one person. I'm angry that she doesn't know her own worth. I'm angry that she doesn't care about anyone else who loves about her. I'm angry that in putting herself entirely into this one world, when that world walked away, she is left with nothing, as nothing, and is selfishly making threats to end it all. She defined herself as only one half. She gave away any sense of self. I'm angry that she won't give herself a chance anymore, that she gave up on her life, thinking that her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to have both.
Anger is not my friend... nor even an acquaintance. We, anger and I, meet so seldom that I can't seem to remember the last time I felt this way. Truly, it's not who I am, not who I want to be.
I'm hoping that this post will wash away that anger. I want it out of my system. It's not mine.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Power of Paper
Let me start by saying that I live an almost paperless life... by choice. It drives me insane. I pay bills electronically, I cancel just about every publication I receive in the mail because it drives me batty, and I manage all of my projects at work electronically. (Perhaps the lack of paper on my desk leads people to believe I'm not busy... I'll have to think that over. Later. I digress.)
There's one time though when I find that paper is pretty irresistible: when it's from someone you like. Just that simple. And no, I'm not talking about "like like", although those are definitely nice. I'm talking about friends, family, loved ones.
Anytime you can come across a piece of paper with a message from someone, it immediately takes you back to that time, warms your heart, makes you smile, or has some inevitable impact.
Last night, I got a message from a friend I used to work with at a restaurant. He found his old server book, and in it was a poem I wrote one night about 11 or 12 years ago. He was having a bad night (that happened to us all quite regularly in the restaurants!), so I wrote some ridiculous "Roses are red" kind of poem in the middle of dinner rush to brighten his spirits. He shot me a message to let me know it still made him smile over a decade later. You just can't get that with a text message. (Trust me, I have a few text messages on my junky old phone I would love to keep, but I know they'll be lost forever once the memory fades.) And although you can save an email, it just still doesn't have the same impact.
I found - ok, who am I kidding, I always know where they are - pulled out some old letters and cards recently, and it was such a wonderful way to spend a few hours. I had the chance to reflect on my life experiences, my relationships with those close to me, and all the twists and turns life has offered. I was thankful to revisit those times, to realize who I was and who I have become, and overwhelmed to realize how fortunate I am to have people in my life who care about me the way they do.
In today's world of social media, texting, and electronic everything, take a moment to grab a pen and paper... or at least type it out and hit print ;-)... and jot down something silly, a note of appreciation, a heartfelt anything, slip it to someone, and hope that it brings them comfort and a smile years from now.
There's one time though when I find that paper is pretty irresistible: when it's from someone you like. Just that simple. And no, I'm not talking about "like like", although those are definitely nice. I'm talking about friends, family, loved ones.
Anytime you can come across a piece of paper with a message from someone, it immediately takes you back to that time, warms your heart, makes you smile, or has some inevitable impact.
Last night, I got a message from a friend I used to work with at a restaurant. He found his old server book, and in it was a poem I wrote one night about 11 or 12 years ago. He was having a bad night (that happened to us all quite regularly in the restaurants!), so I wrote some ridiculous "Roses are red" kind of poem in the middle of dinner rush to brighten his spirits. He shot me a message to let me know it still made him smile over a decade later. You just can't get that with a text message. (Trust me, I have a few text messages on my junky old phone I would love to keep, but I know they'll be lost forever once the memory fades.) And although you can save an email, it just still doesn't have the same impact.
I found - ok, who am I kidding, I always know where they are - pulled out some old letters and cards recently, and it was such a wonderful way to spend a few hours. I had the chance to reflect on my life experiences, my relationships with those close to me, and all the twists and turns life has offered. I was thankful to revisit those times, to realize who I was and who I have become, and overwhelmed to realize how fortunate I am to have people in my life who care about me the way they do.
In today's world of social media, texting, and electronic everything, take a moment to grab a pen and paper... or at least type it out and hit print ;-)... and jot down something silly, a note of appreciation, a heartfelt anything, slip it to someone, and hope that it brings them comfort and a smile years from now.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Woman in the Sky
So, a friend asked about the title for my blog, so here's the original post with the namesake from 9/12/06. Definitely one of my most obscure pieces.
_____________________________________________________________________
Here it is. The storm inside me.
Stirring. Brewing. Shaking. Stressing. Exciting. Enticing. Seducing. Raging. Lost. Found. Here and there.I. am. everywhere.
Yes I'm lost, yet I lead the blind, the deaf, the bright, the willing, the resisting. They are mine.
I push them. I hold them. I carry and I coach them.
I dig and I bury. I find and I hide.
It's me. It's what I do.
I command. Yet I fear.
Do as I say, yet challenge me and my ways.I. dare. you. to. make. me. better. Stronger. Colder. Gentler and eager.
Bring me up to lead you.
Stirring. Brewing. Shaking. Stressing. Exciting. Enticing. Seducing. Raging. Lost. Found. Here and there.
Yes I'm lost, yet I lead the blind, the deaf, the bright, the willing, the resisting. They are mine.
I push them. I hold them. I carry and I coach them.
I dig and I bury. I find and I hide.
It's me. It's what I do.
I command. Yet I fear.
Do as I say, yet challenge me and my ways.
Bring me up to lead you.
I am the light at the end of your tunnel because you depend on me. I force you to need me. It is my weakness and yet I s-t-r-i-v-e for it.
The air that fills my lungs is from you - your need for my presence - and this very air fills my eyes with tears. Your need for me pushes me away.
The air that fills my lungs is from you - your need for my presence - and this very air fills my eyes with tears. Your need for me pushes me away.
I see the twinkling lights in the sky over the city I cannot hold.
I feel the anticipation of the events in the places I cannot enjoy.
I am here. Know me not.
Let me flip your world but not hold you down. nor keep you up.
I change your world in a way you'll never know.
You'll hate me for it. You'll need me for it.
You will never know how I hurt to be with you - to keep you sane, to ease your fears, to assure my needs.
I feel the anticipation of the events in the places I cannot enjoy.
I am here. Know me not.
Let me flip your world but not hold you down. nor keep you up.
I change your world in a way you'll never know.
You'll hate me for it. You'll need me for it.
You will never know how I hurt to be with you - to keep you sane, to ease your fears, to assure my needs.
I fly high through clouds I cannot touch.
Many momentous moments in the sky - missing what's on the ground, what's real... truly aching for it.
The majesty of the air up there - helpless - floating - sailing - losing - waiting - above - a - reality - that - is - not - mine.
Circles, circles, circles.
Understand not? See, I have done it again.
I have forced you to need me just now.
Dependency. Urgency. Solver of problems. Toucher of lives.
Don't need me there. Just need me.
Many momentous moments in the sky - missing what's on the ground, what's real... truly aching for it.
The majesty of the air up there - helpless - floating - sailing - losing - waiting - above - a - reality - that - is - not - mine.
Circles, circles, circles.
Understand not? See, I have done it again.
I have forced you to need me just now.
Dependency. Urgency. Solver of problems. Toucher of lives.
Don't need me there. Just need me.
Words have abandoned me.
For years they have teased me.
Taunting and haunting.
Dance with me
Drive me crazy as I float about the clouds that you will never touch. Mine. Me. Here. Alone. Overwhelmed with these words.
Flow through me now stronger than I can imagine.
I leave you speechless as these words drown me in the clouds I cannot touch above the world I turn upside-down and leave to be alone to be surrounded by me.
I hurt to touch you. To fix you even when you need not fixed.
I hurt to you... for your need for me.
Where have you hidden? My words. My thoughts. My heart. My passion. Find me -- Make me -- Need -- Me.
Not the me you need. The me I need and want you to want to need.
For years they have teased me.
Taunting and haunting.
Dance with me
Drive me crazy as I float about the clouds that you will never touch. Mine. Me. Here. Alone. Overwhelmed with these words.
Flow through me now stronger than I can imagine.
I leave you speechless as these words drown me in the clouds I cannot touch above the world I turn upside-down and leave to be alone to be surrounded by me.
I hurt to touch you. To fix you even when you need not fixed.
I hurt to you... for your need for me.
Where have you hidden? My words. My thoughts. My heart. My passion. Find me -- Make me -- Need -- Me.
Not the me you need. The me I need and want you to want to need.
I speak to silence.
I silence chaos.
Noises drive me insane.
Silence drowns me in words.
Stop talking and listen to me when your silence shuts me up.
Drink with me when I thirst for you.
I need you to need me to quench your thirst.
It's a viscious cycle, really.
I need you to need me, but you needing me forces away my need for you.
Dissolve. Disappear. Disappoint.
I do this
to your fears. Expectations. Desires.
I am cruel when my kindness overwhelms me.
I push you away when I need you most.
I realize this is me.
Saying and doing one, but needing and wanting another.
Yet I need what I do, I want what I say.
I lost you in my world so you need me to find you in me - the me I will not be.
Figure it out yourself. I need you to want to know me.
I silence chaos.
Noises drive me insane.
Silence drowns me in words.
Stop talking and listen to me when your silence shuts me up.
Drink with me when I thirst for you.
I need you to need me to quench your thirst.
It's a viscious cycle, really.
I need you to need me, but you needing me forces away my need for you.
Dissolve. Disappear. Disappoint.
I do this
to your fears. Expectations. Desires.
I am cruel when my kindness overwhelms me.
I push you away when I need you most.
I realize this is me.
Saying and doing one, but needing and wanting another.
Yet I need what I do, I want what I say.
I lost you in my world so you need me to find you in me - the me I will not be.
Figure it out yourself. I need you to want to know me.
You say I am on a power trip.
I am the weakest I have ever been... because I need you.
But I - need - no one.
You proved me wrong.
So wrong I'm right.
Breathe me in.
I feel your presence. Everywhere.
Stop following me.
But be with me.
You are me.
I am
I am the weakest I have ever been... because I need you.
But I - need - no one.
You proved me wrong.
So wrong I'm right.
Breathe me in.
I feel your presence. Everywhere.
Stop following me.
But be with me.
You are me.
I am
me because of you, without you, nothingness.
Nothingness made me rise into these clouds.
Constantly fighting to prove myself to an audience who somehow already believes in a me I never knew.
A me who obviously does not exist because I need you to want me but I want you to need me and I can
never
have
both.
I have you. The most incredible being in the world.
The you who makes me me.
And I am sorry that I need you to need me,
when I only want you to want me.
I cannot make you want me.
I make you need me.
A me I am not.
Find me.
Nothingness made me rise into these clouds.
Constantly fighting to prove myself to an audience who somehow already believes in a me I never knew.
A me who obviously does not exist because I need you to want me but I want you to need me and I can
never
have
both.
I have you. The most incredible being in the world.
The you who makes me me.
And I am sorry that I need you to need me,
when I only want you to want me.
I cannot make you want me.
I make you need me.
A me I am not.
Find me.
I cannot find my way on a path I created.
I cannot find me in an identity I made.
I cannot find you in the me you made better.
I can find the future in the past I run from. (from which I run.)
See. I control me.
Let me be to let you be to let me let you let me.
Even knowing this
I cannot accept the me who really needs you to need me because I do not need...
but I need you to want the me I want you to need - no - the me I need you to want!
Which is it? Where is it?
Help me. Do not need me.
I want you to want me, yet I need you to need me,
but if you need me, I want you to need me...
...and all I need is you to want me to make me want you because when you need me you create the weak me, the me you say is on a power trip.
The me who needs you.
I cannot find me in an identity I made.
I cannot find you in the me you made better.
I can find the future in the past I run from. (from which I run.)
See. I control me.
Let me be to let you be to let me let you let me.
Even knowing this
I cannot accept the me who really needs you to need me because I do not need...
but I need you to want the me I want you to need - no - the me I need you to want!
Which is it? Where is it?
Help me. Do not need me.
I want you to want me, yet I need you to need me,
but if you need me, I want you to need me...
...and all I need is you to want me to make me want you because when you need me you create the weak me, the me you say is on a power trip.
The me who needs you.
Stop it. Just want me and I'll want you and my want will turn to need and I'll keep spinning you and me.
Monday, August 9, 2010
We are what we think
“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha
I have always believed that your thoughts control your path. The stories you share with others define your life. Life is just as you say it is.
The thing is – sometimes I just can’t seem to shake the thoughts bouncing in my head. The “What If?’s” are often louder than the “here and nows”. I’m finding that sometimes the concerns I have, the stresses about the future, and the daunting to do list seem to cause more chaos on my mind than it’s worth. If I could just clear out those thoughts, I could easily find focus, and could hopefully live happily in the present.
Sometimes thoughts of the past and the future seem too powerful or too alluring or too grand not to entertain them for a while, or in some cases, fight through the stress they bring.
I used to struggle with this issue more frequently, but then I finally relaxed and started to just enjoy exactly where I was in life. I'm not sure exactly when the shift started, but I find myself back in ways of old. Certainly, some days are grand. Some days, I feel distant. Perhaps it's my indecision. Perhaps it's my impossible expectations for myself. Perhaps it's just an impatience to feel "at home" for the first time in my life.
I'm anxious to find my calm again... to clear my mind and find the shadow of joy again.
I have always believed that your thoughts control your path. The stories you share with others define your life. Life is just as you say it is.
The thing is – sometimes I just can’t seem to shake the thoughts bouncing in my head. The “What If?’s” are often louder than the “here and nows”. I’m finding that sometimes the concerns I have, the stresses about the future, and the daunting to do list seem to cause more chaos on my mind than it’s worth. If I could just clear out those thoughts, I could easily find focus, and could hopefully live happily in the present.
Sometimes thoughts of the past and the future seem too powerful or too alluring or too grand not to entertain them for a while, or in some cases, fight through the stress they bring.
I used to struggle with this issue more frequently, but then I finally relaxed and started to just enjoy exactly where I was in life. I'm not sure exactly when the shift started, but I find myself back in ways of old. Certainly, some days are grand. Some days, I feel distant. Perhaps it's my indecision. Perhaps it's my impossible expectations for myself. Perhaps it's just an impatience to feel "at home" for the first time in my life.
I'm anxious to find my calm again... to clear my mind and find the shadow of joy again.
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