Angry

She had amazing potential.  I looked up to her.... intelligent, funny, motivated, and a smile that lit up the room.  She was warm and kind, and she was a joy to spend the day with.  Most days, at least.

And then she realized she wasn't being true to herself.  She made the big announcement, and suddenly, she decided that no one would accept her for who she was, so all of those traits I admired seemed to be shoved away.  Somehow, she thought she couldn't be that person and live the life she wanted to live... had to be tough to handle the objections thrown at her, I suppose.

Her world suddenly became about defending her lifestyle.  I never saw what she was fighting back then.  Now, she wears it on her sleeve, her suit of armor, and I see the cutting glances.  I see the disproving glares.  I know she fights it now.  But it wasn't always that way.  In the beginning, we lived in the same world.  She made a choice, and decided she didn't want to be part of that world any more.  And while I respect her fearlessness, I'll never understand why she felt it was necessary, knowing it causes her so much pain.  Could it have been avoided? 

And then, she forgot about her potential and made her world exist in one thing - one person.  Her entire world.  So now that her entire world walked out the door, she's crushed.  She is filled with a darkness and emptiness and a never-ending river of tears.  Her breath hurts.  Her thoughts assault her.  We had a conversation I couldn't understand - literally.  Her sobs, while slightly over the top, were certainly true.  And her threats are terrifying.

And for this, I am angry.  I am angry.  I'm angry that she chose to put her entire reason for being into this one person.  I'm angry that she doesn't know her own worth.  I'm angry that she doesn't care about anyone else who loves about her.  I'm angry that in putting herself entirely into this one world, when that world walked away, she is left with nothing, as nothing, and is selfishly making threats to end it all.  She defined herself as only one half.  She gave away any sense of self.  I'm angry that she won't give herself a chance anymore, that she gave up on her life, thinking that her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to have both.

Anger is not my friend... nor even an acquaintance.  We, anger and I, meet so seldom that I can't seem to remember the last time I felt this way.  Truly, it's not who I am, not who I want to be. 

I'm hoping that this post will wash away that anger.  I want it out of my system.  It's not mine.