Woman in the Sky

So, a friend asked about the title for my blog, so here's the original post with the namesake from 9/12/06.  Definitely one of my most obscure pieces. 

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Here it is.  The storm inside me.
Stirring.  Brewing.  Shaking.  Stressing.  Exciting.  Enticing.  Seducing.  Raging.  Lost.  Found.  Here and there.  I. am. everywhere.
Yes I'm lost, yet I lead the blind, the deaf, the bright, the willing, the resisting.  They are mine.
I push them.  I hold them.  I carry and I coach them.
I dig and I bury.  I find and I hide.

It's me.  It's what I do. 
I command.  Yet I fear.
Do as I say, yet challenge me and my ways.  I. dare. you. to. make. me. better.  Stronger.  Colder.  Gentler and eager.
Bring me up to lead you.

I am the light at the end of your tunnel because you depend on me.  I force you to need me.  It is my weakness and yet I s-t-r-i-v-e for it. 
The air that fills my lungs is from you - your need for my presence - and this very air fills my eyes with tears.  Your need for me pushes me away.

I see the twinkling lights in the sky over the city I cannot hold. 
I feel the anticipation of the events in the places I cannot enjoy.
I am here.  Know me not. 
Let me flip your world but not hold you down.  nor keep you up.
I change your world in a way you'll never know. 
You'll hate me for it.  You'll need me for it.
You will never know how I hurt to be with you - to keep you sane, to ease your fears, to assure my needs.

I fly high through clouds I cannot touch.
Many momentous moments in the sky - missing what's on the ground, what's real... truly aching for it.
The majesty of the air up there - helpless - floating - sailing - losing - waiting - above - a - reality - that - is - not - mine.

Circles, circles, circles.
Understand not? See, I have done it again. 
I have forced you to need me just now. 
Dependency.  Urgency.  Solver of problems.  Toucher of lives.
Don't need me there.  Just need me.

Words have abandoned me. 
For years they have teased me. 
Taunting and haunting.
Dance with me
Drive me crazy as I float about the clouds that you will never touch.  Mine.  Me.  Here.  Alone.  Overwhelmed with these words.
Flow through me now stronger than I can imagine.
I leave you speechless as these words drown me in the clouds I cannot touch above the world I turn upside-down and leave to be alone to be surrounded by me.

I hurt to touch you.  To fix you even when you need not fixed. 
I hurt to you... for your need for me.

Where have you hidden?  My words.  My thoughts.  My heart.  My passion.  Find me -- Make me -- Need -- Me.
Not the me you need.  The me I need and want you to want to need.

I speak to silence.
I silence chaos.
Noises drive me insane.
Silence drowns me in words.
Stop talking and listen to me when your silence shuts me up.
Drink with me when I thirst for you.
I need you to need me to quench your thirst. 
It's a viscious cycle, really.
I need you to need me, but you needing me forces away my need for you.
Dissolve.  Disappear.  Disappoint.
I do this
to your fears.  Expectations.  Desires.
I am cruel when my kindness overwhelms me.
I push you away when I need you most.

I realize this is me. 
Saying and doing one, but needing and wanting another.
Yet I need what I do, I want what I say.
I lost you in my world so you need me to find you in me - the me I will not be.

Figure it out yourself.  I need you to want to know me.

You say I am on a power trip. 
I am the weakest I have ever been... because I need you.
But I - need - no one.
You proved me wrong. 
So wrong I'm right. 
Breathe me in.

I feel your presence.  Everywhere.
Stop following me. 
But be with me. 
You are me.
I am

me because of you, without you, nothingness.
Nothingness made me rise into these clouds.
Constantly fighting to prove myself to an audience who somehow already believes in a me I never knew.
A me who obviously does not exist because I need you to want me but I want you to need me and I can
never
have
both.

I have you.  The most incredible being in the world. 
The you who makes me me.
And I am sorry that I need you to need me,
when I only want you to want me.
I cannot make you want me.
I make you need me.
A me I am not.
Find me.

 

I cannot find my way on a path I created.
I cannot find me in an identity I made.
I cannot find you in the me you made better.
I can find the future in the past I run from.  (from which I run.)
See.  I control me.
Let me be to let you be to let me let you let me.

Even knowing this
I cannot accept the me who really needs you to need me because I do not need...
but I need you to want the me I want you to need - no - the me I need you to want!
Which is it?  Where is it?
Help me.  Do not need me. 
I want you to want me, yet I need you to need me,
but if you need me, I want you to need me...
...and all I need is you to want me to make me want you because when you need me you create the weak me, the me you say is on a power trip.
The me who needs you.

Stop it.  Just want me and I'll want you and my want will turn to need and I'll keep spinning you and me.