It almost got me. Almost.

The doubt, the worry, the never-ending to do list, the stress of it all...

We're finally in the windy city now, and amazingly, it's been a pretty smooth transition. I had a few rough patches, where things just didn't go as planned. Once again, as soon as I let go of that controlling aspect, things were just fine. Just go with it. If there's one thing I've learned from that handsome hubby of mine, it's how to just let things happen. (Ok, so I've learned a heck of a lot more from him, but we'll just focus on one thing at a time, ok?!)

Last night was a low for me, and for no particular reason. I had an average day at work - nothing spectacular or even memorable happened. The train was on time, the weather was gorgeous (so I heard on the weather channel), and things were just as they should be. But for whatever reason, I got cranky and pissy when I started going through my normal house cleaning routine - just a quick sweep to load the dishwasher, sweep up the broken glass (I was in a hurry and didn't grab the ladder when I should have, so I carelessly knocked over my espresso glass), and the little things just suddenly hit me. Alright, so now that I think about it, I think I was really bitten by the attention bug. I wanted some attention and appreciation. We've been busy at work, and I'm getting things done, but my boss has been just as swamped as I am, so we've hardly spoken since the move (and she's in the office right next door!). And the hubby has a houseguest, so he's hanging out with him.

I think it was just a meltdown. I'm not ordinarily someone who needs that recognition or vocalized appreciation, so it was very strange for me to suddenly want it. To suddenly need it. To seriously go to bed cranky and ready to cry and wake up the same way. Perhaps it was doubt creeping in. Did I make the right decision? I love my job, but is this the best thing for my family? It's going to be really, really cold soon. Am I going to be ok with that? I usually hide from cold. These blasted hardwood floors are going to make me crazy. Why did I pick this place? Silly doubts. Yes, I made the right decision. This job is amazing. The Chicago area is amazing - so many things to do, see, and try. Our neighborhood, excuse me - VILLAGE - is adorable. We just need to meet some people here. And get over it. The floor will get scratched. Deal with it when we move out, but live and enjoy living here without panicking over damaging the stupid floor.

I often find myself thinking of how others react to various situations, and try to convince myself that I would react differently. Why get all worked up over things? For the most part, I do feel pretty level-headed about all life's unexpected surprises. I can usually let things roll off my back, but I think after so many things kept rolling, I just lay down and hold onto the little things instead of letting them go.

It's truly about what you do with the thoughts that come into your mind. How am I going to react to this news? What am I going to tell this person about what just happened? He just said this, which makes me feel that... do I address it or let it go? What happens if I say what I'm thinking? Does it make the situation any better? If the answer is no, why is it so hard to keep my mouth shut? If the answer is yes, for whom is it better? My ego? Being right isn't always the right thing to do. Feeling smarter or self-gratified means nothing in 2 minutes.

I've been reading quite a bit lately - something I've missed for many years, and I'm so excited to have a few minutes every day on the train to do now. I'm reading a wonderful book by Marshall Goldsmith, who was a speaker at a conference I attended last year. I actually won a free copy of his book during the event (by winning - of course - ugh), and got to speak with him for a bit after his discussion. I can honestly say that I was intrigued by what he had to say then, and I did try to make a few changes to some personal habits then. The book ended up in a box somewhere, and during our recent move, it resurfaced. I reluctantly began to read it. The book is What Got You Here Won't Get You There, and it's really targeting making successful people more successful. There's my reluctance. One - by reading this book, and people seeing me reading it - I feel like a schmuck announcing to the world that I think I'm oh-so-successful, but I want to conquer more. I got over that and decided to dive in anyway. My second reluctance though is knowing that this person's views were simple enough, strong enough, and compelling enough in a 60-minute presentation to make me want to make changes, so I can only imagine what he can make me think in an entire 230-page book when I'm captive on the train with an iPod attached to my head. (I do my best relaxing, soul-searching, and living in the moment with that thing plugged into my brain.) Change, for me, is often exciting, and I thrive in an environment with lots of change (my job!). But actually changing me... well, that's another story. I'm stubborn. But admittedly, I can be better. I can be nicer. I want people around me to be nicer. I want my daughter to be a warm and wonderful person. I want my husband and I to enjoy our moments together. I want so many things, so now I just have to do them.

I'll post more on my journey with Goldsmith later. He's quite logical and brilliant. And funny. I'm still processing some thoughts and what exactly I want to change.

For now, I'm going to go thank my husband for being a great dad. Then I'm off to bed. No cranky, no pissy. Just content to be exactly where I am at this moment. And not knowing where I'm going... and being ok with that.

Things to remember before I forget... about babies.

There are so many things we've learned along the way with this little bundle of joy. Some of them are definitely things no one could have told us to expect since each baby is different. But some of the basics, well, I wish I would have known sooner.

This blog is dedicated to a simple list of things to know for the next round, or wisdom to share with friends who are welcoming their little ones. I'll add to the list as I think of things, and as we learn new lessons.

• Socks are simply not necessary for at least the first 9+ months. Same goes for shoes. Until they start walking, avoid the hassle of chasing down lost socks in stores. Shoes are super cute, but useless. Now, of course, if you live in a cold climate, I'm not saying to go out in the freezing cold with 10 little piggies exposed, but on a daily basis, they just aren't worth the hassle.
• Adorable little fancy dresses are just that. Adorable. But not practical. Only buy these for a specific event, for which you already know the date, weather, and how big the kid really is.
• Hats go with shoes and socks. Have one or two on hand, but that's it! Don't buy the outfit with the matching socks, shoes, bibs, hats, and the whole nine yards. Even if it's a great deal!
• Don't waste your money on 30" x 30" receiving blankets. They'll outgrow them in a few weeks, and then you're left with these things that are too small to be blankets, too large to be burp cloths. Cute or not, go for the bigger ones - at least 30" x 40". The waffle weave thermal ones are the best - stretchy, warm, but not heavy, and a variety of prints and colors.
• The swing is a godsend. Just make sure to check to see if the seat is adjustable, and you CAN put your newborn in it. We were idiots and forgot to adjust the recline position back to flat so we didn't use it for the first 6-8 weeks, and that would have been great to have.
• The tummy time mats are worth it.
• No matter how many toys you have, the favorites will be remotes, keys, cell phones, and empty plastic bottles.
• The nipples for bottles come in different levels... don't forget to change them out. When the baby gets fussy because the bottle is too slow, and you realize different levels are options, you should not realize that your little one should be using a level 4, when she's still on level 1.
• Crinkly paper toys rock for the first 6-8 months or so. Then, it's all about having things to bang together and pieces to pick up and throw.
• If you're using disposable diapers, pampers swaddlers are the best. Don't even look at the others for the first 6+ months.
• For cloth diapers, all-in-ones make our lives simpler. Some friends have used other types with great successes. For our little one, AIOs, preferably pocket-style are great.
• Butt Paste works on everything.
• Teatree Oil is available at Walgreens. A few drops in the wash with cloth diapers makes the stinky go away and it has great antibacterial properties. (Thanks for the tip, Nikel!)
• The Tiny Love Symphony in Motion mobile is wonderful, as is the Fisher Price Rainforest waterfall soother.
• For nail clippers, go with the kind that has the big plastic bulb-looking thing on the end. It's much easier to hold. The plastic guard on the clipper type are horrible though!
• Generic brands are fine for just about everything... except wipes. Pampers wipes are the best, then Huggies, but Parent's Choice wipes are not in the running at all.
• There's no such thing as taking too many pictures or videos. Time flies, and one day, maybe when you retire, you'll want to put them all in an album or scrapbook.
• The baby MP3 player is worth it.
• Huggies Overnights actually work... from 20+ pounds.
Don't buy onesies past 12 months. They're great up to then, and after a year, they become a pain in the rump. Sippy cups are a conspiracy to see how many you'll buy before you find the right one. Good luck. The ones with the silicone spouts wear out pretty quickly. Replacements are available, but with a teething child, they don't stand a chance. Learning sign language is SO worth the effort. We use the Baby Signing 1-2-3 book and flashcards by SignBabies.com. It's true ASL, and it's simply amazing to see how much McKayla understands and wants to communicate before she's physically able to speak the right words.
• V8 Fusion is much better than traditional fruit juices. Mac chugs the stuff, and it's actually good for her!
• NEVER, ever, ever give a kid milk if she has had a stomach virus.  Even if she hasn't gotten sick in 3-4 days, don't do it!  Soy milk is a wonderful thing during that time.  

Once it's said, it's much easier for it to be done... for the most part.

I would say I needed a break from blogging, but with only one entry, that would be a pretty pathetic excuse. I had to let all the worries become decisions, so it took a little time. I'm amazed at how finally making a decision, verbalizing it, and letting it be known can give so much relief.

It's official. In a few weeks, we'll be moving to Chicago. When all is said and done, we have some pretty amazing opportunities there - for the entire family. It was by far one of the most difficult decisions we've had to make, but I'm excited to see how everything plays out. After spending several years traveling, I think I'll enjoy a break from that, especially now that I have that adorable little girl to come home to. She knows how to make me feel guiltty when I'm leaving for a trip, so I won't have to endure that torture as often.

The sad part to all this excitement is that I have to leave behind some pretty amazing friends. I've found that some friends are simply friends of convenience, and while you may hang out a lot, when things change - someone moves - that friendship quickly fades away. While I have those friends (and appreciate them still!), I have also grown closer to some friends who will still be wonderful friends when the miles are too high to count between us. I know we'll still talk, we'll make arrangements to see each other on vacations, it's harder still because they're exactly where I am in life right now. Finding a great friend is hard enough, but finding a great friend with a new little one makes it even more rewarding. You get to share the little moments that touch your heart, the funny stories that make you laugh so hard you cry, and the curious moments when the little ones get together for a play date. I'm saddened that I'll miss those moments with these wonderful people.

Really? I'm doing this?

I've never thought of myself as the blogging type. In no way do I mean that it's a bad type to be, but I didn't think it was for me. Then I realized that I am a previous journal-writing type, and an I'll-spill-my-guts-on-a-few-blank-notebook-pages type, and I'm as connected as one person can be.

So, with the thoughts exploding in my mind, here I go.

I'm a bit of a chameleon. I'm a corporate type, but I'm a green-pushing bit of a tree hugger too. I'm extremely career-driven, but I'm a big mush when it comes to my lil family (still getting used to that!) I'm a hard-ass, big softy.

And that's enough of an introduction for now. I'm not here at the moment to tell who I am. I'm here to clear my head of all the thoughts clogging it up.

What should I do? (This is me now speaking to myself. Should I worry about whether or not I'll answer?)

I don't know what I should do. I'm torn. I'm tired of wondering, worrying, and crying. I'm tired of being ecstatic about the possibilities one second to be crushed by the realities the next. I want the job I think they want to give me, but I want it here, not there. I want him to be happy if I do have to take it there and not here. I want it not to be cold there. I want the house here. I want the city and the culture there. I want the short commute here. I want the friends here to be there. I want the friends there to be here. I want the opportunities there to be here. I want my mom to be able to go there one day when she's finally ready to leave her own "here". I want there not to be so expensive. I want his music here to be twice as successful there. I want his opportunity to be where mine is. I want the job here not to involve so many "theres", especially since they don't include the "there" I like. I want the job there. I want my life here. I want and I want and I want and I want. And the scariest part of all is that the change I want just might happen, but then again, if I don't take what they want me to take, I may not have an option and may find myself getting to know CareerBuilder a bit better than I have ever hoped.

Oh, blasted adulthood. (But at least the dinner and wine was good tonight... and the upgraded jacuzzi suite. Thanks for that, job "here" that won't be the same soon.)