It almost got me. Almost.

The doubt, the worry, the never-ending to do list, the stress of it all...

We're finally in the windy city now, and amazingly, it's been a pretty smooth transition. I had a few rough patches, where things just didn't go as planned. Once again, as soon as I let go of that controlling aspect, things were just fine. Just go with it. If there's one thing I've learned from that handsome hubby of mine, it's how to just let things happen. (Ok, so I've learned a heck of a lot more from him, but we'll just focus on one thing at a time, ok?!)

Last night was a low for me, and for no particular reason. I had an average day at work - nothing spectacular or even memorable happened. The train was on time, the weather was gorgeous (so I heard on the weather channel), and things were just as they should be. But for whatever reason, I got cranky and pissy when I started going through my normal house cleaning routine - just a quick sweep to load the dishwasher, sweep up the broken glass (I was in a hurry and didn't grab the ladder when I should have, so I carelessly knocked over my espresso glass), and the little things just suddenly hit me. Alright, so now that I think about it, I think I was really bitten by the attention bug. I wanted some attention and appreciation. We've been busy at work, and I'm getting things done, but my boss has been just as swamped as I am, so we've hardly spoken since the move (and she's in the office right next door!). And the hubby has a houseguest, so he's hanging out with him.

I think it was just a meltdown. I'm not ordinarily someone who needs that recognition or vocalized appreciation, so it was very strange for me to suddenly want it. To suddenly need it. To seriously go to bed cranky and ready to cry and wake up the same way. Perhaps it was doubt creeping in. Did I make the right decision? I love my job, but is this the best thing for my family? It's going to be really, really cold soon. Am I going to be ok with that? I usually hide from cold. These blasted hardwood floors are going to make me crazy. Why did I pick this place? Silly doubts. Yes, I made the right decision. This job is amazing. The Chicago area is amazing - so many things to do, see, and try. Our neighborhood, excuse me - VILLAGE - is adorable. We just need to meet some people here. And get over it. The floor will get scratched. Deal with it when we move out, but live and enjoy living here without panicking over damaging the stupid floor.

I often find myself thinking of how others react to various situations, and try to convince myself that I would react differently. Why get all worked up over things? For the most part, I do feel pretty level-headed about all life's unexpected surprises. I can usually let things roll off my back, but I think after so many things kept rolling, I just lay down and hold onto the little things instead of letting them go.

It's truly about what you do with the thoughts that come into your mind. How am I going to react to this news? What am I going to tell this person about what just happened? He just said this, which makes me feel that... do I address it or let it go? What happens if I say what I'm thinking? Does it make the situation any better? If the answer is no, why is it so hard to keep my mouth shut? If the answer is yes, for whom is it better? My ego? Being right isn't always the right thing to do. Feeling smarter or self-gratified means nothing in 2 minutes.

I've been reading quite a bit lately - something I've missed for many years, and I'm so excited to have a few minutes every day on the train to do now. I'm reading a wonderful book by Marshall Goldsmith, who was a speaker at a conference I attended last year. I actually won a free copy of his book during the event (by winning - of course - ugh), and got to speak with him for a bit after his discussion. I can honestly say that I was intrigued by what he had to say then, and I did try to make a few changes to some personal habits then. The book ended up in a box somewhere, and during our recent move, it resurfaced. I reluctantly began to read it. The book is What Got You Here Won't Get You There, and it's really targeting making successful people more successful. There's my reluctance. One - by reading this book, and people seeing me reading it - I feel like a schmuck announcing to the world that I think I'm oh-so-successful, but I want to conquer more. I got over that and decided to dive in anyway. My second reluctance though is knowing that this person's views were simple enough, strong enough, and compelling enough in a 60-minute presentation to make me want to make changes, so I can only imagine what he can make me think in an entire 230-page book when I'm captive on the train with an iPod attached to my head. (I do my best relaxing, soul-searching, and living in the moment with that thing plugged into my brain.) Change, for me, is often exciting, and I thrive in an environment with lots of change (my job!). But actually changing me... well, that's another story. I'm stubborn. But admittedly, I can be better. I can be nicer. I want people around me to be nicer. I want my daughter to be a warm and wonderful person. I want my husband and I to enjoy our moments together. I want so many things, so now I just have to do them.

I'll post more on my journey with Goldsmith later. He's quite logical and brilliant. And funny. I'm still processing some thoughts and what exactly I want to change.

For now, I'm going to go thank my husband for being a great dad. Then I'm off to bed. No cranky, no pissy. Just content to be exactly where I am at this moment. And not knowing where I'm going... and being ok with that.