She carries a teardrop in her front pocket.
... a box of joy on her left hip, and a cape tucked under her arm.
Behind those dark shades, you’ll find worry and love.
The fear pushes her back as she crosses the street each day. But A becomes B anyway.
Her moments of relaxation overflow with duty. She can't find the tunnel that devours the hours in the day.
Her quiet time is consumed by crunch time.
Her smile is weak, her laugh feels foreign on days like that.
Her feet convince her she has traveled the world with not a story to tell.
Her heart hangs heavy with guilt and longing and fear and worry and hope and feels cracked and warm and full all at the same moment.
The curtain of night falls, and just as she should have a short escape from it, it engulfs her again.
Her breath is tired. She takes off the mask and falls to the ground.
She lifts her head and is embraced by comfort and care.
But the weight of her world is heavy anyway.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she'll deny it all. Life is just as you say it is. She says it is not what you think it is. She simply won't let it be.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Geography
Interesting... I was looking for an old file on my flash drive and came across some old blog posts I had from a previous website. One particular entry just needed to be posted beside yesterday's entry about "clicks".
Original post: 1/2/08
Geography
I always knew I hated geography in school. I was good at it, but I hated it. Some things never change.
I've recently been consumed by thoughts about geography again. Not the kind of geography you're thinking though.... it's the kind of geography that keeps friends distant.
I have some amazing friends hundreds of miles away, and even with so many miles between us, we're never far apart. I have some amazing friends in the same area code, and it feels like there are many miles between us. So I've realized that the geography that distances friendships isn't the kind that can be measured with an odometer.
It's the kind that can only be experienced. Little twists and turns in life that simply put you at a different place. Not a few towns away, but a few situations apart. It's a strange place when friends start defining each other as "the married ones" or "the single ones"... the parents, the ones who don't have kids yet, don't want kids, the one with the job that keeps her busy or the bad luck that's hit recently.
It's an odd sensation when the friends from 10 years ago haven't heard about the latest news, but they can be the most comforting souls to be around... the friends of now and here feel the furthest away... and yet somehow one or two of those friends from back then make you wonder what keeps your friendship going.
It's a bittersweet feeling when you realize that because you're "settling" it builds a bit of a wall you can't see through... I could step over it, but I'm not sure what's on the other side anymore, and honestly, don't know that I want to. It's a place of comfort when you don't need to see the other side, yet it's a place of loneliness when you realize not many people are willing to climb the wall and stand beside you.
It's an amazing feeling though when someone does climb that wall to be with you.
Have you ever thought about the friends you have? How they became friends? Initially, it's all about geography - the this city is in this state kind. Then it's all about the experiences you have that make up the map of how you got where you are. You realize that the new geography you have to understand is all about choices we make. A decision to call or go or stay or do... to be with or without... to need or not... to want or waive... to be comfortable enough to ask questions and get the wrong answer but love them anyway... to be secure enough to ask a question that goes unanswered...
Are you friends because you're really friends... or are you friends because you've always been friends?
I wish I could figure out just how to take those miles away. Not the mile markers that give us a reason to relate, but the turns that take us to different places, where we suddenly don't know where we are.
Original post: 1/2/08
Geography
I always knew I hated geography in school. I was good at it, but I hated it. Some things never change.
I've recently been consumed by thoughts about geography again. Not the kind of geography you're thinking though.... it's the kind of geography that keeps friends distant.
I have some amazing friends hundreds of miles away, and even with so many miles between us, we're never far apart. I have some amazing friends in the same area code, and it feels like there are many miles between us. So I've realized that the geography that distances friendships isn't the kind that can be measured with an odometer.
It's the kind that can only be experienced. Little twists and turns in life that simply put you at a different place. Not a few towns away, but a few situations apart. It's a strange place when friends start defining each other as "the married ones" or "the single ones"... the parents, the ones who don't have kids yet, don't want kids, the one with the job that keeps her busy or the bad luck that's hit recently.
It's an odd sensation when the friends from 10 years ago haven't heard about the latest news, but they can be the most comforting souls to be around... the friends of now and here feel the furthest away... and yet somehow one or two of those friends from back then make you wonder what keeps your friendship going.
It's a bittersweet feeling when you realize that because you're "settling" it builds a bit of a wall you can't see through... I could step over it, but I'm not sure what's on the other side anymore, and honestly, don't know that I want to. It's a place of comfort when you don't need to see the other side, yet it's a place of loneliness when you realize not many people are willing to climb the wall and stand beside you.
It's an amazing feeling though when someone does climb that wall to be with you.
Have you ever thought about the friends you have? How they became friends? Initially, it's all about geography - the this city is in this state kind. Then it's all about the experiences you have that make up the map of how you got where you are. You realize that the new geography you have to understand is all about choices we make. A decision to call or go or stay or do... to be with or without... to need or not... to want or waive... to be comfortable enough to ask questions and get the wrong answer but love them anyway... to be secure enough to ask a question that goes unanswered...
Are you friends because you're really friends... or are you friends because you've always been friends?
I wish I could figure out just how to take those miles away. Not the mile markers that give us a reason to relate, but the turns that take us to different places, where we suddenly don't know where we are.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Power of a Click
It's pretty fascinating when you step back and think about the power another person can have over you, your life, and the decisions you make. Many people may say they do what they want, don't care what others say, yadda yadda yadda.
In reality, our lives are shaped entirely by our relationships with others. The amazing thing is to see how your life can take a different direction when you meet someone who causes the "click". I'm not just talking about a significant other. Friends, family, even co-workers can give that click.
I look back at the relationships I've built in years past, and it warms my heart to say that I have a small group of people who just keep clicking with me. Some, I can't remember a defining moment when our relationship suddenly formed such a bond, but there are a few where I can identify that singular instance. Interestingly, the strongest ones seem to be the ones that just sort of happened.
I realize I've made many of the life decisions I have because of a relationship that just clicked... realizing I was strong enough to move away from family and be the first to leave our hometown, moving back to the hometown, taking off again, going against my "I will not get married" mantra and getting engaged so early in a relationship, moving to a state where I knew no one, and moving yet again to a place that's colder than I ever wanted to endure! Somewhere in each of those events was a big click.
I'm lucky enough to say that I have other relationships that are still strong just because they are. Some of my best friends are the ones I rarely hear from, but when we do finally get to have a conversation, things just click. Or long lost friends suddenly pop up again, and exchanging a few messages here and there is a comforting chat. Subtle clicks, but clicks nonetheless.
In reality, our lives are shaped entirely by our relationships with others. The amazing thing is to see how your life can take a different direction when you meet someone who causes the "click". I'm not just talking about a significant other. Friends, family, even co-workers can give that click.
I look back at the relationships I've built in years past, and it warms my heart to say that I have a small group of people who just keep clicking with me. Some, I can't remember a defining moment when our relationship suddenly formed such a bond, but there are a few where I can identify that singular instance. Interestingly, the strongest ones seem to be the ones that just sort of happened.
I realize I've made many of the life decisions I have because of a relationship that just clicked... realizing I was strong enough to move away from family and be the first to leave our hometown, moving back to the hometown, taking off again, going against my "I will not get married" mantra and getting engaged so early in a relationship, moving to a state where I knew no one, and moving yet again to a place that's colder than I ever wanted to endure! Somewhere in each of those events was a big click.
I'm lucky enough to say that I have other relationships that are still strong just because they are. Some of my best friends are the ones I rarely hear from, but when we do finally get to have a conversation, things just click. Or long lost friends suddenly pop up again, and exchanging a few messages here and there is a comforting chat. Subtle clicks, but clicks nonetheless.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Green Eyes
They’re piercing. They slice. They cut through life like a knife. All for reasons unknown, unneeded, unwanted.
But that’s where they get you. They make you think you want what they see. Those green eyes, they live behind rose-colored glasses, tempting you and taunting you, and taking everything you have and turning it to dust.
Who will fight for the dust? Who will give in to the blue skies and rainbows those green eyes bring your way?
She found happiness. I want that. He does what he wants when he wants without any question. I want that. She has the new X or Y or Z. He gets to do this and that. Do you want that? Those green eyes will have you believe you do.
You probably never knew you wanted any of that until those green eyes opened. From the other side, you're probably the one with the blue skies and rainbows.
Some people call them a monster.
But when I find those green eyes putting on those rose-colored glasses for me to see, I’m thankful for the opportunity to take stock in my own blue skies.
Blink. Blink. Blink. Hello hazel. Why don’t you stay a while?
But that’s where they get you. They make you think you want what they see. Those green eyes, they live behind rose-colored glasses, tempting you and taunting you, and taking everything you have and turning it to dust.
Who will fight for the dust? Who will give in to the blue skies and rainbows those green eyes bring your way?
She found happiness. I want that. He does what he wants when he wants without any question. I want that. She has the new X or Y or Z. He gets to do this and that. Do you want that? Those green eyes will have you believe you do.
You probably never knew you wanted any of that until those green eyes opened. From the other side, you're probably the one with the blue skies and rainbows.
Some people call them a monster.
But when I find those green eyes putting on those rose-colored glasses for me to see, I’m thankful for the opportunity to take stock in my own blue skies.
Blink. Blink. Blink. Hello hazel. Why don’t you stay a while?
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