Roots

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but more than anything I walk away thankful.

Mostly, I’m so thankful for those few hours with my grandparents where I was able to see each of them smile as they watched Doodle entertaining herself. I was proud as I saw Papaw finally flash a smile when she laughed. From the repeated attempts to push and pull the cooler through the house to when she hugged the ceramic deer on the floor, it was all so bittersweet. I fought back the tears as my Mamaw held my hand and apologized that she couldn’t do more for us, that she was too weak to sit up the second day we visited. Of course, the moment I stepped out the front door and rang the rusty old wind chimes I always ring, I lost that fight and the tears flooded my eyes on the walk to the car. I can only pray that won’t be my last visit with her. I was urged to visit soon because her health is failing, and I can’t help but worry that while it gives her peace and happiness, my visit was the one she was waiting for before she gives up. With Papaw growing bitter and resentful of caring for her while she lay helpless, I wish I could do something to take away her pain and keep her here. Coming from a family that’s broken in more ways than one, I tend to cling to the people who are constants in my life. Maybe we’re not always in touch, but I know what to expect. I know I can be comfortable and safe and enjoy the presence of that person. My grandmother is the only family member I have for that these days. Her kindness pushes me to be a better person.

I’m disappointed that my time with my dad fell short. He was the main reason I came home this time. And because I split my time with him and mom, I don’t know if he knew that. Shame on me for not making it more obvious. Shame on him for not taking advantage of every moment anyway.

I was amused at the discussion whereby one family member didn’t see giving a toddler tons of chips as an issue… “Well, what’s NOT junk food then? How about some Fritos instead?”. Different thinking.

I am thankful for time with my mom and sister. We’re an odd bunch, but we still enjoy getting together for a few laughs…even on a hot and sticky day in mid-July.

I was sad and honored and reminiscent to spend the day at Dollywood. My mind immediately raced to thoughts of Granny. I practically grew up at that park, and there were many days when I went with her to work there, and I slept in her office until the park opened, and then spent the day by myself running around in what should have been every kid's dream. I remember feeling so adventurous by going into the employee hideouts and break rooms. I remember getting special treatment from the other employees. And I remember her loyalty. She was with us as we walked through the park together. She was there when Doodle took the wheel on the tea cups and made me laugh until I cried. She was there when we rode the carousel. Maybe she was the twinkle I saw in McKayla’s eye as she was trying to figure out how the whole thing worked.

I am thankful again for my mother taking care of Mac on more than one occasion so I could see friends. It’s so rare that I get to spend time with any of them, so despite exhaustion setting in, I squeezed every last minute out of each person. From a not-quite-long-enough-but-way-too-late evening of dinner and drinks with someone who reads and understands me better than most people (even better than I understand myself in some ways!) to an incredibly renewing hike with one of my most missed friends to an energetic gathering with “the gang” and all our kids… realizing it’s time to call it an evening as we saw the sun peeking up in the horizon.

This was truly one of the most meaningful breaks I’ve ever taken. If most vacations are about relaxing, this one was about renewing. Roots, relationships, and my spirit. I left last week with a heaviness in my heart, and while I still have worry and concern, I’ve been reminded of the experiences that shaped my perception, of the relationships that define my character, and of the person others think of when they think of me.